Viva Forever
by Imaj Inaya
Summary: This story follows Alex and Paige through their senior year of high school. It mainly takes place in the gaps in between episodes. It's an attempt to fathom what made Palex the glorious wonder that it is.
1. Chapter 1 Alex

Viva Forever

Summary: This story follows Alex and Paige through their senior year of high school. It mainly takes place in the gaps in between episodes. It's an attempt to fathom what made Palex the glorious wonder that it is.

Chapter 1 - Alex

I was trying to get to sleep early tonight. I would like to start this year off right, you know, show up on time and alert. It's my last year, I want to finish with a bang. I'll be graduating, like actually getting a diploma and all that. It'll be my first big step away from turning out to be just like her. I can hear her in the other room right now, she's screaming at him again. My mother picks some of the worst guys she can find to fill the void in her life. For some people, taking care of your daughter just isn't enough. Some people need men, they need bad boys; they need a good hard fuck. It's times like this when I truly hate my mother.

"Get out of my house!" She's screaming. Glass shatters on the wall near my room. I assume she's throwing things at him.This isn't uncommon in my house.

"Your house?" he yells right back at her, "Who pays the rent? I DO." Bang, bang, crash. He's hit her, and now I have to get involved. I rush out of my room. He's standing over her with his fist raised. I can feel the tension in the room. If it was in color the room would be swirling around in a dizzy mixture of red and gray. My heart is pounding in my chest, I'm afraid he's going to swing at her again. She's crumpled up against the wall, just sobbing curse words. She's obviously drunk again, and he's no better. I can literally smell the liqueur on their breath. He grabs her by her shirt and slams her into the wall forcefully before I can react.

"Stop!" I scream. And I'm there pounding on his back with my fists. I don't hit like a girl, but right now that's exactly what I feel like, a little girl. He's drunk, so he hardly even acknowledges me pounding away on him. He backhands me, just like he would a pestering fly, and I fall backwards onto the couch. My cheek stings fiercely where his knuckles have slammed into it, I can taste blood. I don't care about me though, he's hitting her again, and again. I'm here, but I don't feel like I'm here. It's like I'm watching it through someone else's eyes. Someone else. Right now I'd give anything to be someone else. I get up and throw my arms around his neck with all my might, I have to get him away from my mom. Strangling him works better than hitting him did, he's stumbling backwards trying to pry me off. Then he's landed on top of me, and my ribs take a blow even harder than my face had. I let go of him and struggle to get in between him and my mother. She's nearly unconscious now, blood is running down her face. I hate to see her like this, I can hardly believe I would even think I hate her. She needs me. She's done her best trying to raise me. This isn't her fault, it's his. It's him that I hate. Dave. Her newest boyfriend, a rebound from the notorious Chad. Dave is one of the worst yet, I've found very few redeeming qualities in him. Standing in between him and my mother now, I can see absolutely no reason in the world why anyone would want such a scum bag to touch them.

"Just leave us alone!" I cry at him. I'm not going to back down. Men like this can't just go around scaring women into taking their shit. No one has to take this. No one. He stares me down, he wants to hit me, I can see it. If he hits me I'll hit him right back. I'll tear his mom-beating throat out like a rabid dog. He'll regret the day he took on Alex Nunez. I'm just daring him to hit me again, I won't cower; I won't even blink. Bring it on ass-wipe. His eyes dart to my mother as she groans my name. It registers in his expression; he realizes what he has just done. He's beaten her, and he's hit me. That's a serious domestic violence charge, and he's in trouble.

"I'm sorry." He mumbles, "I'm sorry."

"I'm sure you are." I say sarcastically. They're always sorry, and they'll always do it again. I'm not an idiot. "Just go."

"I really am sorry. Did I hurt you? Do you need a ride to the hospital? Let me take you both in, please?" His concern is sickening. He hits someone then thinks bandaging it up will fix it? An 'I'm sorry' does not un-do the damage. I just want him out of my sight, looking at him makes me want to hurl. He seems to understand the look on my face, because he ends his offers with "Have your mother give me a call, okay? Okay Lexi?" Everyone who knew me as a kid calls me Lexi. He calls me Lexi because my mom calls me Lexi. I'm not fond of the nick name, though I never tell anyone that.

"Whatever." I tell him with a glare. He lets himself out, and I instantly dropped to the floor right next to my mother. I check to see how badly she was hurt. She is bleeding pretty steadily from a cut next to her right eye, it looks like it might need stitches. "Hey, mom? I'm going to call a cab, stay awake okay?" I need her to stay conscious, if she has a concussion passing out could be fatal. She nods to me, and I go fetch the phone.

I call a cab, then I gather my stuff up for school. It's not much, just a backpack, some paper and pens. I throw the backpack over my shoulder, knowing I'm not going to get a wink of sleep tonight. I help my mom to her feet. Most of her weight is on me as I carefully walk her out of our shitty apartment complex. She's still sobbing, and smelling strongly of booze. I look sadly up at our window, I was suppose to be in bed right now. It's nearly 1am. It was a silly goal, wanting to start this year off different. Things don't change, this is the story of my life. No matter how many times this kind of thing happens I seem to forget it's a useless battle, and I start dreaming of possibilities. Dreams shattered again. The cab arrives, and takes us straight away to the emergency room. I have to pay the driver, of course. Let me tell you, cabs aren't cheap.

It's a long wait in a very uncomfortable chair. My mom apologizes to me a hundred times over, before they take her into the back. No matter how many times she says sorry, it doesn't un-do my lost night, and it doesn't un-do the bruises that both of us will have in the morning. I tell her it's okay though, I reassure her that everything is going to be alright. Right now, she needs the reassurance, not an angry outburst about her choice of loser boyfriends.

The hours are dragging on and on. She is checked into a room and of course she's telling them that it was all an accident. I roll my eyes. How is there ever suppose to be justice in a world like this? In a world where abused women protect their fucking abusers? I go back out to the waiting room, rather than listing to this bull-shit. I'm getting tired. I have school, and then work tomorrow, well later today. Paige is on shift with me. I'm going to have to listen to all of the gossip she picked up on the first day of school. She talks to me like I actually care about that crap. Gossip queen Paige. I guess gossip is utterly worthless if you don't have listeners though. Whatever floats your boat I guess.

I wake up with a terrible creak in my neck. I twist my neck and it pops loudly. I had fallen asleep in the little cramped chair, how I managed that I'll never know. A sickly old man is sitting next to me, and he's giving me the grossest look I've ever seen. It's like his toothless face is checking me out. I scowl at him, I'm not afraid to let him know how disgusting I think he is. Old pervs checking out teenager girls in waiting rooms... it's just wrong. Can my night get any worse? It's not night anymore though, behind the sick man's head I can see the sun is shining brightly. It's past dawn, I look quickly to the wall clock. It's almost 7AM, I need to head out to school. I reach down for my backpack, but it's not where I left it. I scan the area quickly, it's not anywhere. I growl and hurry over to the counter. I tap on the window to get the woman's attention. She's on the phone, but she looks up at me.

"Did someone turn in a backpack?" I ask her. I sound a lot ruder than I'm meaning to be. The woman shakes her head at me, she's busy. I'm interrupting her precious time with my utterly worthless life problems. No wonder I sound rude, I'm friggin' pissed. I run my fingers through my hair, I'm feeling so frustrated right now. Why do I have such lousy luck? It must be a Nunez curse or something. Speaking of which, where is my mother? I tap on the plastic window again to get her attention, "Is Emily Nunez still in there?"

The woman flutters through some papers, and shakes her head again. That's all I get is a lame little head shake. Talk to me you bitch! I smack the plastic window with the palm hand, and the woman pulls back in surprise. She looks like she's about to call security, and that's all I need. I snarl at her before I storm out of the automatic sliding doors. The sudden brightness burns my eyes. The damned sun in the damned morning. I can tell I'm still very tired, the little sleep I had was only going to make my day harder. I have less than an hour to walk to school, so I start out.

I'm late, big woop. I get a smart ass remark from the teacher, and it takes everything I have to keep myself from snapping back. It's not like I didn't try to make it on time. I tried really fucking hard. Then I got a set of bruises, no sleep, and had my back pack stolen. I think it's the best start of a year I've ever had. NOT. People will never know what it's like to be me. No one gets me. No one.

At lunch I sit down with Paige and Marco. Hazel's there too, and I can't miss her little 'I'm better than you Alex' behavior. I get to hear all about Marco's travels, and it sounds like it was a blast. I wish I'd have the chance to travel to far away places, and live in an adventure like that. I know that's one of the silliest dreams I've ever had. I have too much here in Toronto I need to deal with. Paige is chipper too, she seems extremely happy to be here. At least some people can enjoy the first day of school. I have to say though, her mood and Marco's have a profound effect on my bad mood. All in all lunch cheers me up some. I start off to class with Marco at my side.

"What happened to your face Alex?" He asks me. He is always so full of worry, and always notices everything. It hadn't bruised that noticeably, and I can't help but be irritated by his questioning. It's not like I'm going to go around telling people that my mom was beaten last night. This puts my mood right back in the gutter.

"I got in a fight."

"With who?"

"Can you just drop it, okay?" I snap at him. He raises both of his big dark gay eyebrows at me. I know he sees through my tough girl act, but I don't care. I refuse to give in. He shrugs at me and says okay. He can assume whatever he wants, and again I don't care. It's not his business to know who bruised up my face. We part ways, and I can't say I'm sorry about it. He needs to learn to stay out of other peoples' business.

The rest of the day goes so slow I can hardly stand not ditching classes. When the final bell rings, I'm still not off the hook. I have a shift over at the theater to look forward to. All I can really think about was how much I want to hit the sheets. I'm so exhausted. This really is not a good way to go to work, but I really need the money. My part-time job keeps food in our fridge. Welfare cash only goes so far when your mom spends it all on booze. I know can't live off of alcohol alone, even if my mom can. So I buy the food. Sometimes I have to pay the bills too. It's no big deal though, we're living better than we used to. It's nice to think I'm changing things, even if it's very slowly.

There's one good thing about work tonight. I won't be alone with Meeri, the ice-queen. There Paige is, already working the register. I glance at the clock, I've only got precious seconds before I'm officially late. Luckily, I make it. I already had a warning for being late once this summer. Three mess ups and it's out the door. Not that I want this shit job, but as I've already said a zillion times -I need the money.

"Enjoy your movie" Paige tells her customers before turning to me. She's giving me that look. I don't know how to describe it, but it's a look that always makes me fidget. "You're late." she says. I roll my eyes dramatically, I knew it would make her laugh. She drops the look instantly and smirks. She changes to subject to her beloved gossip, "Did you see what Heather Sinclare was wearing today? Beyond ew. If she thinks she's going to get Prom Queen with that style, she's in another reality all together. Don't you think?"

"Right, yeah." I nod. I don't care about this gibberish, and I knew it would be coming. I know it will keep coming too. She keeps talking, in between having to fetch people popcorn and soda-pop, of course. I'm only half-listening, smiling and nodding to most of it. I find that just watching her excitement about such mundane bull-shit actually keeps me awake. Every once in a while I get to crack a snide joke that makes her laugh too, waiting for those moments keeps me alert.

"You look... tired." She says to me as we're closing up the concession stand, "Insomnia last night?"

"Sure" I shrug. I'm not going to tell her my problems either.

"I only got about two hours of sleep last night" She tells me. She's just about as tired as I am, but this is news to me, because she had been talking my head off all night long. I look at her like she's crazy. I know she wasn't in any hospital waiting room all night long, she had no good reason to have been up all night. She does that nervous thing she does when she tells me something she normally wouldn't. I love it when she does that, it makes me feel like I'm just as human as she is. "I was worried, it kept me awake."

"What's there to worry about?" I scoff. I remember before the screaming and smashing, I had been fretting about school too. I wanted to make the year different, better. It was stupid to worry about.

"Come on Alex!" Paige exclaims as she tosses the rag she had been cleaning with into the trash can. I lean down and start to tie up the trash bag, listening to her answer. "What's there to not worry about is more like it. This is our last year of high school! It's University after this! This year has to be absolutely perfect. I'm applying to Banting, it's been my plan all along."

"Wait, Banting, the Harvard of the North? Why?" I couldn't help it. That was shooting for the stars. Paige was really something. One minute I start to think I'm human like she is, and the next she proves just how much of an uncivilized beast I am. Banting University. I can hardly even think it without wanting to beat in some rich kid's face. Why? Because they had parents who took care of them. They had a cozy place to live. They had an allowance, and freedom. They learned how to drive, then got expensive designer cars for their fucking birthdays. A good beating is what they all need. It would show them a thing or two about the other side of the tracks. Rich little...

"It's only the best business school in this whole region, might I even be so bold as to say hemisphere. People who graduate from Banting have real futures ahead of them, and that future, the future of a Banting graduate, is mine."

"That sounds great Paige." I lie. I just want to go home and go to sleep, "Do you think you're mom'll give me a lift home?"

"Sure hon." She says kindly. And I smile my thanks back to her. Why does that make me smile? Why did that, of all things, make the built up anger of the day just fade away? I know why though. Paige, the popular girl who is destined to go off to rich kid college, actually considers me, a dirt poor freak, her friend. This has never happened in my entire life, I've always been the weird-girl, the freak. I guess that is a good reason to smile. This year is different in at least one way. This year I'm closer to being normal.


	2. Chapter 2 Paige

Viva Forever

Chapter 2- Paige

I open my eyes to bright sun rays shining across my face. It's the beginning of another beautiful, and busy day. I sit up and stretch. I've been having a hard time sleeping, I can't stop thinking about University. I've promised my mother I'd make a perfect resume that will make it impossible for Banting to refuse my entrance. It's not like it really matters, because her bestest friend just happens to be the head admissions officer. I promised I'd do it anyway, because she expects the best from me. I expect the best from me.

The problem is, cheer leading isn't exactly a business related reference. I've spent all these years running the Spirit Squad, and only now do I worry about how worthless my time there was spent. Just great, isn't it? Those aren't the right kind of thoughts to start a morning off. I need to get my head into gear. I take a quick morning shower, letting a jolt of cold water bring me completely to my senses. I change into proper attire for the day, because everyday is a good day to look your best. I give myself a smile in my mirror. Yes, that's the image of Banting's newest acceptee. I have nothing to worry about, look at me. That makes me giggle a bit, I feel far more confident. I walk down the stairs.

My mother is getting ready to head off to work, my dad is already gone. She has breakfast made for me, so I sit down. It's an omlette with sausage, and a cup of coffee. Brain food, it'll give me a good start to the day. I have to figure something out with that resume. We've been at school for almost an entire week and I still haven't even started. I'm such a slacker sometimes.

"I talked to Elizabeth this morning." My mother says. Elizabeth is her friend, the one over at Banting. I know where she's going before she even get to the point. I knew it was going to come back and bite me in the derrier, typical. That feeling of confidence is fluttering away again.

"The resume is coming along great, mom." I assure her, "I'm going to have Mr. Simpson look over it today."

"Good." She says. I can tell she doesn't believe me, it's a warning. I've got to be perfect princess Paige, or I'll let everyone down. I can't let everyone down, that's clearly not an option. I'll get the resume done, and I'll figure out a way to make it even better than she or Mrs. Myers, Elizabeth expects. "She says she looks forward to reviewing it. You are going to make an excellent business woman my dear, I'm so proud of you."

I _am_ going to make an excellent business woman. I'm going to be one of the best ad executives there ever was. My mom's an ad executive, she graduated from Banting. My dad's a Lawyer, he graduated from Standford. Dylan is the family odd-ball. Our parents have accounted his lack of true ambition to his sexuality. I don't exactly agree, I think Dylan just has talent for other things. I'm sure he'd slaughter my father at any sport. Dylan could give dad a tip or two on his wardrobe too. I miss having Dylan around all the time, he really balanced out my home-life.

The day at school is going by faster than I want it to. I'm only sort of paying attention in class, my mind is on more important matters. I've convinced Hazel to make up her resume with me, so she has a good chance at early acceptance as well. Sure, she isn't going to Banting, but she does want to go to University. All my friends do. College is very important to having a successful career in life. College is everything. That is why I need to get a head start and get this resume put together, and soon.

Marco hands me a folded piece of paper. He would normally tell me whatever it is in a whisper, this note passing thing is so Grade 2. I give him a look, letting him know how silly I think note passing is. Although, the last note that was past to me was from my boyfriend. He had good reason. I miss him more than I miss Dylan. I unfold the note, and read what he has to say.

Ashley is staying is London, she met a guy.

I feel sick. It's like a rock just landed in the pit of my stomach. I glance over my shoulder at Craig, who is right behind me. He's taking notes, or writing a song or whatever Craig does during class. He doesn't look upset. That must be the explanation of the immature note passing, Craig doesn't know. I know I wouldn't want to be the one to tell him. Luckily for me, it's not my job. I scribble a note back trying to express how appalling that is. So what if it's only four words long? It expresses enough.

That is so wrong.

Marco nods his agreement to me. Yeah. Ashley is a complete bitch. I've told people this, but no one listens to Paige. She's a known back-stabber, people have got to learn to guard against these things. See, I know Hazel is hovering with that knife right behind me, and that is why I don't tell her everything. I mean, look at what she did to me when she found out about Matt. Yet, she is still my best friend. That's because friends are very vital, a popular girl like me is no one with out a posse of friends to back her up. Did that sound shallow? Oh well, I keep losing my train fo thought. I have four years of Spirit Squad, one year at the theater concession stand, and an acting role in Kevin Smith's movie. That just doesn't seem like enough. This is business school here. What else can I add on?

Hazel and I planned to work on our resume building after school. Plans kind of change when you are informed that it's one of your friends birthday's. Hazel and I are getting the pitch from Ellie, who just inofrmed us about a suprise party at the Dot.

"Please be there Paige." Ellie is almost begging me. I can't help it that I'm busy, and that makes me unsure. I need to get this resume done. It is Craig's birthday though, and if there was ever a reason to procrastinate a little more, this is it. Hazel is leaving it up to me, like she usually does. She's waiting for me to agree. How can I not agree? It'll just have to be one more day before I have the resume ready. Friends are more important than deadlines that aren't really deadlines anyway.

"The Dot, in two hours. We'll be there" I say with a smile. She visibly sighs with relief. She is very uptight about something, I think Ellie here has the hots for the music man. He is so not my type, but I guess I can see where the attraction could be. Maybe. Especially for a girl who dated an obviously gay boy for over a year. Yeah. Ellie could use some help with the do's and don'ts of dating. She's Ashley's best friend, that's almost as wrong and Ash dumping Craig on his birthday. Wow, dumped on his birthday. He walks by and Ellie leaves us to go join up with him. She so has a thing for him, it couldn't be more obvious. He so knows too, he's such a flirt. They walk off smiling and joking with one another. He sure is taking the news well, he doesn't look upset at all.

"So it's true right? Ashley is staying in London?" Hazel asks me. I didn't tell her, but Hazel is more of a gossip queen than I am. That she knows doesn't suprise me in the least.

"Yeah. Dumped on his birthday, we so have to get him a gift." I say to her with a smirk. She grins back at me. We're on the same page. A little gift for Craig, a couple gifts for us. It's shopping time.

We go to the mall, I can always find the perfect gift at the mall. For Craig we find a moderately priced pen set. It's something universal, and I'm sure he doesn't already have one like it. Okay, I know not everyone appriciates pen sets as gifts, but I think it's a gift that shows how we're growing up in the world. Shows how we're graduating from adolescent teenagers to professionals, you know? Plus, everyone needs pens, you have to write with something. Hazel buys herself a new bracelet, and I find this spectacular pink scarf that I just have to have. We make all of our purchases, leaving us with a little less cash and a little more style.

On the way out I drop by the theater, I know Alex is on shift alone tonight. She looks bored out of her mind. I know I hate shifts alone, time can't drag any slower. What could it hurt to giver her a quick hello? That's what friends are for, they cheer ya up when you are down. I walk up to the counter, and she sees us coming.

"It can't be that bad" I tell her. She barks a laugh, followed by one of her typical sarcastic remarks. I roll my eyes at her, at least she's smiling now. I like to see Alex smile, it suits her far better than that grouchy Alex glower. Maybe she'll wear the smile for a while after we leave too.

"We're going to be late." Hazel reminds me. I know. Time is running short, and it's not like the Dot is right across the street or anything.

"You on shift tomorrow?" I ask Alex, ignoring Hazel.

"Yup." She shrugs. I wish I could stay and talk longer. I really want to, but I have somewhere to be. I have schedules to keep. I can tell her all about the Ashley and Craig gossip tomorrow when we're on shift together. I like to get her take on the gossip, it's so different, like down to earth and real. I don't really get that from anyone else in my life. I think it's because she's so cynical and angry. She does it in a tasteful way though, unlike Ellie. Ellie has that, what would you say? Angst? Alex is just telling it how she sees it. Who would have thought I'd prefer her take, and her advice, over my best-friends. Life is so weird like that, you find friends in the strangest people and places.


	3. Chapter 3 Alex

Viva Forever

Yes, it is named after a Spice Girls song

Chapter 3 – Alex

I'm sitting in the computer lab for lunch. I'd rather spend my penniless hours of stomach rumbling away from food. I click on my in box again. Lunch is almost over. Sure I'm hungry, but it's not like I've never been hungry before. I know I can eat at work tonight. That's one of the best things about that job, they never notice the loss of a little food. I'll enjoy that junk food as much as anybody can enjoy junk food. The hungrier you are, the better the food, right? I am going to ration my next pay check better. Then I'll be able to afford all the crappy cafeteria food I could possibly want. How exciting. What a joke. I bet I'm the only senior not eating lunch right now. I try to ignore my stomach pain. I have a new message in my in box, it's titled "Degrassi Girls Gone Wild". I hear the door open, and a new set of voices. I look up to see people who have class in the computer lab are coming in. Class is goin to start in just a few minutes, I need to go. I wanna see what this Degrassi Girls Gone Wild thing is first.

I click on the message, and a video clip pops up. It's Manny Santos in a red spaghetti strap dress. I know of her but I don't really know her. Paige has had more than enough to say about Manny though, so in a way I guess I kind of know her. I've talked to her before, briefly. She didn't look like this then though, here she looks drunk, and she sounds drunk. Believe me, I know when people are drunk. She's talking about how she's going to be an award winning actress, about how she's going to be-. Woah. Manny's tits are in my inbox. This is something I so didn't need to see. I can't help but laugh though. It's just too ironic. She wanted to be famous, and now she is definitely going to be famous here at Degrassi. She's going to be a famous slut queen.

I'm still laughing at it. I need to get to class, seriously. I close out the clip, but I can still here the phrase "You can sell this for a million dollars because I'm going to be famous!". It's in surround sound. The clip is being played by most everyone in this class. Most people's reaction isn't any different than mine. They're laughing, because it's funny. Fame she wanted, and fame she gets. You really should be careful what you wish for.

The news didn't actually spread to everyone till around my last class. With the final bell ringing, and the shuffle of people heading into the halls - Manny Santos' breasts are the talk of the school. Gossip is pathetic in a way. It isn't that exciting. So, some stupid teen girl got drunk and had an encounter with a camera. We all already knew Manny was a slut, it's not a big change. Just shut up about it already, you know?

I've got my hands in my pockets and I'm taking my time on leaving. I'm not looking forward to getting home. My mom promised she would go down town and get a restraining order on Dave today. I just know she didn't do it, he'll probably be at the apartment when I get home. And even though it's early in the day they are probably both drunk. Maybe they're even already trying to rip each other's eyes out. Maybe they'll just wait until I'm there to witness it again. Yeah, great fun that's gonna be. I think I'll take the scenic route.

Degrassi's star herself is sitting on a bench just outside of the gym, right in front of me. She's in her little spirit squad outfit. I'm not joking, cheer leader is just another word for slut, I swear it. No one could ever convince me to wear a stupid get-up like that. Ever. It's degrading. It's just asking men to see you as an object. To use you. Fuck that.

"Can I have an autograph from Degrassi's very first B-porno star?" I tease her with an impression of a fan. She wanted to be famous, right? The sarcasm of my sincerity is truly beautiful, and it has the desired effect. She glares up at me through glistening eyes. Poor porn star is gonna cry, now, awww. I smirk.

"I-" She starts to say something in her defense, but her voice cracks. It dawns on me that she looks like a puppy who can't find her owner. She looks lost, dazed, and confused. I can't say I feel sorry for her, because I really don't. She made the choice to put her boobs on tape. She made the wrong choice, now she's going to have to deal. It happens to all of us. Well, maybe not the boobs on tape, but shitty stuff. She's just lucky she had the choice to begin with, most of the shit that rains on me is other people's choices. Like my mom's choices.

I don't wait for her to give me her sob story. I don't need it. She's young, she was drunk, blah-di-blah-blah. It sucks that it got aired all over her school, yeah true. That's a real downer, it is, but I've got my own shit to deal with. I've got more sob stories than she'll ever have, and I'm not sharing them with anybody. I walk down the steps of degrassi, and a side conversation catches my attention. A couple of jack-asses are making lude remarks about her. The phrase 'Tap that ass' is in there. I can't help it, this just ticks me off. The burst of anger is almost unexplainable, after all I don't really care about her. Seriously though, the girl is in there crying and they're out here talking about wanting to hump her. Fuck that. She's not some object meant for their amusement. They need someone to teach them a lesson.

I approach their conversation without pause. I'm not really thinking about what I'm doing, I'm just acting on a whim. I swing on the closest guy and my fist makes contact with his jaw. I hurt my knuckles, but not nearly as bad as I hurt his shit-talking face. He was caught completely off guard and falls over. He goes rolling down the last couple steps. I swing on the other guy too, but he deflects my fist with his forearm. Before I have another chance to swing on him, he's running up the the steps and away from me. Pussy. He's running from a girl. The one on the ground is getting up, cradling his jaw in his hand. I shouldn't have done that. I guess I'm more upset with Dave than I thought I was.

"What the fuck did you do that for, eh?" He asks me, he sounds confused. He's not aggressive at all, like I expected him to be. Oh well. Fight is over already. I've got an adrenaline rush out of it at least.

I ignore him, he's not worth answering. I head home, enjoying the natural high all the way there. I get like this when times get tough. It's more than obvious that I have way too much stress in my life right now. It's moments like this, where I'm lonely and turning to trouble, that I start to think I might miss Jay. Me and him had some good times in our darkest hours. But then again my life is far better off STD free. Jay is no better than Dave. He's a womanizer too. I thought he was my friend. I thought he actually understood me, just because we both had hard-knock lives. He wasn't my friend, and he never got me. He never really cared about me either. All he cared about was numero-uno. Jay, Jay and more Jay. Truth be told, some people learn from other people's mistakes, and other people just copy the mistakes. He's a copier, he's going to be scum just like his parents are. Did I say going to be? I meant he already is scum just like his criminal dead-beat child-abusing dad.

I'm dreading it more than ever as I walk up to our pale paint chipped door. My adrenaline rush from the fight has passed. My fist is throbbing. I unlock the door and walk in, I'm expecting glass to be thrown at my head this time. Silence greets me, the apartment is empty. Mom's not even home. I guess in this case, no news is good news. At least Dave isn't here. I change out of my school clothes and put on my ugly brown work uniform. I hate this thing. It's ugly, and uncomfortable. Whoever decided on these uniforms needs to get their ass kicked. Speaking of ass kicking, I hope those punks at school don't report me. A suspension would be another lovely add on to my wonderful life. Chances are they won't though. Guys are too proud. Like they'll actually go tell Ms Hatzilakos that a girl decked them, hah.

Another night at work. Another night with Paige. Tomorrow night she has the lone shift with the manager. I get a night off, and what am I going to do with it? I'll get to sit at home, trying to do some homework. Trying, not succeeding, because I'm sure the drama of my household will find a way to stop me. I don't think my mother was out grocery shopping. If she really ditched Dave, like I begged her to, then she's probably out man-shopping. Just great.

I made it well on time this time. Paige doesn't look chipper today, she's wearing a pouty little scowl. I guess no one is having a very good day. She doesn't start talking about it right away, it's actually one of our longer periods of not speaking here at work. Over half way through the shift the silence is getting to me. I munch on a candy bar, and decide I'm gonna start the conversation tonight.

"That e-mail was a something." I say. This is ambiguous, you see. I didn't say it was funny. I didn't say it was appalling. Hell, it just makes an assumption she knows what e-mail I'm talking about. If she doesn't I'm not gonna tell her.

"You could say that." Paige says under her breath. She looks at me seriously, the e-mail is a big part of whatever is troubling her. I can tell it's not going to be a night of talkative gossip, period. She's an angry Paige tonight. I should be ecstatic I don't have to listen to her ramble on and on, right? Why is her dragged down mood making me so damned uncomfortable? A not friendly Paige kind of sucks, "It's one less cheer leader on the Spirit Squad."

"You kicked her off the team?" I gawk. Do I care? I shouldn't, but I do think that's a little unfair. Cheerleader's are known for being slutty anyway. What's a little flashing business got to do with Manny's ability to jump up and down and yell? She's going to have a hard enough time with jerks like those guys at school, she didn't need the popular bitch raining down on her too. How would Paige feel if Manny hangs herself tonight? Slits her wrists? ODs on some prescriptive drugs? I know I'd feel shitty about my little remark I made earlier. But I didn't kick her out of my special little popular bitch club, that is far fucking worse.

"Well, yeah." Paige says with a nod of her head. This version of Paige that is standing in front of me, right now, is that Paige that everyone loves to hate. She just doesn't think sometimes. She can be so cold and heartless. I know it's just because she's such a spoiled little brat. She's got the good life, and almost everything is just plain expendable to her. Of course it's no problem for her to just boot one of her friends out the door. What a great place I put myself in, trying to be friends with her. Is it all that different than what my mother does with these asshole men? Picking bad people to associate with. Good job Alex, good job. I shudder at the thought. I'm not really in the mood to talk to her anymore. I busy myself with the next customer and avoid looking in her direction there after. I don't know why I thought she was better than that. I'm such a dupe.

My attempt to avoid conversation was completely lost. She's talked about the Manny incident, she's talked about some stupid college fair at the end of the month. Now I'm cleaning out the pop-corn machine, and she brings up Craig.

"Did you hear about Craig?" she asks, as if I care. I shake my head, and keep my attention on the work I'm doing. I guess I get to hear about some horrible thing Craig did now. More judgmental crap. "Ash dumped him, she's staying in London with some guy named 'Alister'. Yesterday was his birthday. That's when he found out, at his surprise birthday party. It was not cool at all."

"Sounds like you." I mutter. So it's Ashley who she's judging, instead of Craig. Whatever.

"What?" She says. I know she's just done the 'I'm completely offended' look, with the lowered eyebrows, the squinted eyes and the curled lip. I might have even got a little bit of a head shake with it this time. I can feel her staring at me. I stop what I'm doing and sit on the counter to stare her down, face to face. I want to make my view crystal clear to her. She's pissing me off, she needs to shut up.

"You Paige. You're not cool. People make mistakes. You'll make mistakes too, so quit being such a bitch about it."

"That is completely unfair, Alex." She says. She looks like she wants to say more to me, but she knows it's useless. I'm right.

"Life is unfair. Get used to it." I hop off of the counter and close up the pop-corn machine. She doesn't talk to me for the rest of our shift. I'm glad. I don't need to hear anymore of her judgmental bull-shit tonight anyway. I've got my own problems on my mind. This Dave thing has me really worked-up. I'm almost positive there's going to be a situation when I get home. What happens if she tried to get a restraining order and that just made him flip out? I wouldn't put it past him. One time, in a fit of rage, he told my mom that he was going to chop me up and staple me to her body. I'd like to see him try. But seriously, I hate this guy. He's a scary bastard.

I walk home alone. The stars are shining so brightly tonight. It must be a new moon. I give myself a moment outside of the complex, just enjoying the darkness and the night air. In a perfect world I'd be happy right now, but then again, in a perfect world everybody would be happy. My mom would have a good job, and my dad would still be with us. Maybe I'd even have a little brother or sister. In a perfect world Paige would be the friend I image her to be. I don't know why I care about her liking me, but I do. I really, really, really want to be Paige's friend. When she does that whole mean girl thing I get freaked out, I can't help it. I'm afraid she'll do that to me too, heaven knows I make mistakes all the friggin time. Sometimes I think my life is nothing but a series of mistakes.

I finally walk in my front door. My mom is laying on the couch, and she sits up at my entrance. I survey the room, there's a few new empty beer cans. I don't see Dave's jacket anywhere. She looks like she might be here alone after all. Could she have really done it?

"I did it baby." She answers mt thought. She actually got the restraining order! My heart is ready to leap out of my chest. I'm so proud of her. I so happy for us. I won't have to fear coming home to the fights anymore. It's just us again. This is too good to be true though, I know there's got to be a catch.

"You really got the restraining order?" I ask. The cut near her eye looks like it's healing well. She hadn't needed stitches after all, thank goodness.

"No, I didn't do that, but I broke it off with him. He won't be comin round here no more Lexi." She shifts herself over on the couch and pats the cushion next to her. I sit down and she hugs me. I wrap my arms around her too. I'm hugging her back so tightly, it's like I'm holding onto something I know I'm going to loose again. She really got rid of him though, so right now I'll just celebrate how proud of her I am. I know it's hard for her, not everyone has a mouth on 'em like I do. This was something huge for her. She did it!

"How'd you do it?" I whisper. There is great comfort in being held like this. I feel so alone in the world so often, but not right now. Right now It's me and my mom, the way it should be. It's a moment of weakness for me, I'm even holding back tears. I hated that man so damned much.

"When he called me up this morning I told him I threw all his stuff in the dumpster, I told him he wasn't welcome around here anymore." She pulls back from the hug to look at me. She runs her thumb gently across my cheek and then she smiles. She smells like beer, but what's new? I know she has a problem. She knows she has a problem. We're working out our problems one at a time here. "How was work?"

"It was work." I shrug. I remember how I snapped at Paige, I remember how Paige had gotten under my skin. She's good at that. It's like a little Paige talent. "It went fast, Paige was on shift with me, but really mom, I'm just so happy that Dave is gone. He's not coming back, right? You promise?"

"He's not comin' back, Lexi." She leans over and kisses my cheek, then she scruffles my hair like I'm her little girl. It's a good feeling, it really is. It's too bad I know it won't last. "I'm promise." She says.


	4. Chapter 4 Paige

Viva Forever

A/N: You people should so totally review. I like the reviews. Like it? Say that. Hate it? Say that. Just say something, please! If you wanna be useful, if I mess something up and you notice it point it out. I wanna stay as close to the series as I can.

Chapter 4 – Paige

It's a Sunday afternoon. The sky is overcast, but the neighbor's kids are playing outside as if the sun is shining as brightly as ever. They've drawn a hopscotch board with sidewalk chalk. I watch them hop up and down taking turns. I needed a moment to breath, I've been doing homework for hours. It's my senior year, I would have thought teachers would be a little less aggressive with the homework load. They know we have a lot to do, what with the planning for college, applying to college, and doing a zillion and a half extra curricular activities just for college. Yet they still assign more reading every week than I had done all summer long! I've already had to write an essay too. We haven't even been at school for an entire month! There just may be some kind of plot to keep us seniors at Degrassi another year. I am on to them.

"You doing okay honey?" My mom asks. She is passing by and has noticed me leaning on the kitchen counter, staring out the window. I don't know how long I've been standing here. I just wanted to get out of my room for a minute. When I go back up there I've got to prepare the new routine we're practicing for the upcoming games. Losing Manny has been a huge loss, almost a detrimental loss. She was one of the smallest girls on the Squad, and she was a naturally talented gymnast. She really tied a lot of our routines together. As much as we don't get along on some issues, she was a part of the Squad. Why she had to go and do something so stupid as to get her breasts aired all across Degrassi, I really don't understand. Even without her on the team now, that was a shirtless cheer leader. We have reputations to up hold. "Paige?" I still haven't responded. My god I'm out of it.

"Yeah, mom." I turn around to look at her. I put on a smile, I have nothing to be upset about right now. I'm just busy, and a little stressed out. "I'm doing great. Have you heard anything about my resume?"

"Nothing yet" She says, "But don't you worry about it. It was a wonderful resume, I know she'll love it."

"Right." I shrug, "I've got some more homework. I'll be down for dinner." I head back up to my suffocating room. I didn't really expect news back so soon, I know she is probably very busy. I technically still have to complete the application process anyway.

There's a college fair on Wednesday, just for us seniors. I have a handful of packets, and pamphlets. I need to look through them, but I've been putting it off. I'm suppose to pick a couple alternative choices just in case Banting doesn't happen. Of course Banting is going to happen. I have to jump through the hoops like everyone else though. I'll play along, the college fair will have a ton of resources on any other colleges I might consider. It'll be interesting, I'm sure, but I already know Banting is where I'm going. The college fair is really meant for people like Alex. People who don't have a plan. This will be perfect for her. Maybe she can actually do something good with herself after high school, she's already come a long way since hurricane Jay. University is obviously the next big step, she just needs a little push in the right direction.

I come up with a potential routine for the squad. It only takes me a little over an hour, and it might be just good enough. I won't know for sure until I get everyone into position at school tomorrow. It's going to be so nice to pass on the reigns of the Spirit Squad to someone else next year. My heart is just not on the squad like it used to be. I'm already almost too busy to spend very time on this stuff, it's just not as good as it used to be. I put the notebook in my back pack and pull out another. I'm suppose to brain storm some ideas for the year book. I'm so sick of homework right now. I can smell food down stairs and it's enticing. I abandon my room once again, dinner calls.

I eat my dinner, enjoying it more for the excuse to put off the last of my homework than for the food itself. I talk casually with my parents, as most family dinner conversations go. I just say whatever comes to mind at the time, it's not like dinner is special. We talk about the weather, and about how the day was. Boring. University comes up, of course. I'm very confident about Banting, and so is my mom. Dad doesn't really care, he goes along with it all though, for mom's sake. That's the typical Michalchuk dinner conversation, especially without Dylan around.

University is almost all I ever think about these days. I'm too pre-occupied, there's not much more to say. In a way I am really glad I'm pre-occupied. If I wasn't I'd spend a lot of time thinking about Matt. I miss him so much. I wasn't happy about him leaving in the first place. I still don't see why he had to go so far away for a job. I feel like I have a part of me missing, the romantic boyfriend part. He was so wonderful, and we were so in love. It was worth all the trouble we went though. He was worth it. One of these days he'll be back in Toronto, done with his summer job off planting trees and improving on the environment. Then we can finally have the real relationship that we had to hide before, and now it'll be out in the open. Everything is going to be utterly perfect.

I'm going back upstairs, and the phone starts ringing. I'm almost to my door when my dad yells up to me that it's for me. I go into my room to answer it. I expect it's Hazel, I haven't talked to her in a few hours. She's probably making sure I finished the routine.

"What's up?" I say into the phone, I can hear my dad hang up the down stairs receiver.

"Paige?" It's not Hazel. It's him. I've been thinking about him every night for months. It's actually him. I just knew he would be coming back soon. This is the first time he's called ever since just a couple of weeks after school let out. Just hearing his voice had me all giddy.

"Matt! How are you? Why haven't you called? Are you coming back?" I'm so excited, I want to know every detail. He should be starting his term at University soon too, he has to be heading home. I know that's what this call is about.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I haven't actually been around that many phones. My life is kinda chaos right now. Look, um, I'm coming in to Toronto Tuesday night."

"You're coming back! I knew it! I've missed you so much." Tuesday I'll be reunited with my boyfriend. It's felt like ages. I'd wait ages longer for him too. That's how love works. It's eternal. "What time?"

We planned dinner. I am going on a date for the first time since last school year. I'll just need to get Alex to take my Tuesday shift. If she doesn't I can always call in sick, and she'll get called in anyways. It's not like she has a life, she can do it. I'm so excited! Everything is falling into place for me. I'm going to put off looking through these pamphlets until tomorrow, I'll do it at work or something. Alex needs to look through them to anyway. I can put off the year book thing until my Women's Athletic Society meeting tomorrow morning too. This new is too good to ruin with homework. Matt is coming back! My boyfriend is coming back! YES!

I take a shower. The comfort of the warm water brings memories of Matt to my mind. I remember his shiny dark brown hair, and the way it fell across those dreamy eyes. It was love at first sight for me. He is the most handsome man I've ever seen, well, at least in real life. Or, well, let's just say he's in the top ten most handsome men I've ever seen. He always treated me so sweetly too. He should have let me take the fall alone, it ruined his career. It tore us away from each other. He was valiant though, he couldn't let me ruin my career with a lie. He's a good man. I know he's missed me just as much as I miss him. I hope he has.

I turn off the water and reach out for my towel. I dry off and put on my pajamas. I'm lay down to bed early tonight. This is going to be one of the first nights I've gone to sleep this early since school started. A mischievous smile crosses my face, I'm going to dream about you tonight, my love. I'm already day dreaming about our date. It's romantic in every way possible. He gives me a bright red rose, and a long passionate kiss. He doesn't care that people can see us, not now.

After we're re-united there are so many other possibilities too. We'll have the whole year together, and then after I graduate he can come with me to Kingston. He can transfer to be with me. We can get a cozy apartment, and maybe even a cat or dog. Maybe both. Matt and I in Kingston with a cat and a dog. We have our whole lives ahead of us, but these last two days are going to seem like forever. I'm eager to fall asleep and pass the time quickly, I want Tuesday night to be here.

I don't dream about Matt, like I had intended to. I dream about an average day at school, except that Dylan is there. Dylan and Marco, always adorable together. Maybe it isn't so Average after all, because Alex has taken up Manny's position on the Spirit Squad. She's doing a better job than Manny ever did too. I'm smiling in my sleep. Alex as a cheer leader, why does this even enter my psyche? In my dream, I know I'm dreaming. Dreams are so weird. In the end of the dream it's just the four of us, Dylan, Marco, Alex and I. We all go out to eat at the Dot. What a silly dream it is, though not bad at all. I'd like to see Dylan and Marco get back together. They had something special. As for the weird Alex stuff, I have no idea what it means.

By mid-morning I will have forgotten about the dream entirely .


	5. Chapter 5 Alex

Viva Forever

Chapter 5 – Alex

If I went to University I could get a degree in something. People with Degree's don't live like this. Welfare isn't exactly made for doctors, and lawyers, and ad-executives. It's meant for people who work minimum wage jobs their whole lives, people who can't afford their own rent. My mom and her stupid ex-boyfriend are getting back together. They're drinking to celebrate, as if drinking is something of a special occasion for them. Hah. I was in a reasonably good mood today too. Was is the key word, my night at work definitely changed that.

I sit down on the couch. My mom comes over and joins me, and my god she is drunk. At least she is a happy drunk right now. She's leaning in really close to me, "How was your day, Lexi? Did you do real good in school? Make any new friends?" She asks. She is so just making conversation, no matter what I say she won't remember it. She never really does.

Honestly, the day has left me feeling pretty shitty. Paige has me thinking about this University thing. You could call the feeling hope. I hate hope. Hope gets shattered. "Nothing special today mom. It was just a day. There's a college fair on Wednesday" I tell her, "Paige wants me to go."

"She realizes you're momma can't dish out that kind of cash, right?" Chad buds in before she gets a chance to say anything. He leans over the back of the couch and grins at me. "University is expensive. How much do you think it costs, Lexi?"

"I know it's expensive." I say. I don't like looking at his stupid face, so I avert my eyes to the wall. Yeah, our smoke stained wall is better looking than his ugly mug. "I have a job though, maybe working full time I could take a few classes or something."

"Seriously, throw out a guess." He's persistent. He's slurring his words. I bet he doesn't even know what he's saying. I'm the only one who is going to remember this conversation. I feel sick again.

"A few hundred dollars a term." I shrug. I really don't know. I know it's not like by the class, it's by the credit or whatever. It's a lot of money, that's why it's a rich kid thing.

"Try several thousand a year." He laughs, like it's a joke. He think it's hilarious. I try to hide my surprise at that figure. A few thousand? Paige is insane. She has rich parents, and good grades, sure she can afford that. Why is she trying to drag me into the whole University thing with her? I won't get any scholarships and there isn't anyone to pay several thousand dollars for me. I knew University was out of the question for me. Hope shattered, that easily. I'm trailer trash. I'm one of those people destined to work shit jobs just to get by. I was a fool for thinking otherwise.

"I'll help you out in whatever way I can though, baby." My mom tells me, as if she can help pay for anything. She's more poor than I am. "You go be my little college girl."

"I just said Paige wants me to go." I say quickly, I want to drop the subject. It's all Paige's fault I was thinking about it. I'm not the college type. I'm just gonna to have to do something else. I don't know what. But something. I might just go full time at the theater, that sounds about right for my life. My life sucks. I get up and go to my room and I don't say good night. I lay down to consider my options. In the end I decide University is a waste of time to think about. Just stressing over it makes things worse. I feel like crap now. When Paige brings it up again, I'm going to tell her to shove it.

It's hours later and I'm still staring at my ceiling. The TV is blasting through the paper thin walls. He laughs. I haven't heard my mother's voice in a long while. I'll assume she's already passed out. Their little 'back together' celebration must be over. I'm not excited about it, them being back together and all. Chad is better than Dave was, but Chad is still not great. Chad is a moron with muscles. He's not malicious, but he still gets aggressive when my mother pushes his buttons. What is with bad boys and one Syllable names? Dave, Rob, Joe, Chad, Jay, Sean. I could list them for hours. If I ever have a male child he is getting a fifteen syllable name, that'll keep him out of trouble. Are there even fifteen syllable names? I try and make up one and I can't think of anything. Oh well, I guess that plan is out the window too.

Paige keeps bringing up University every chance she gets. Damned Paige. It's like she's rubbing it in my face that she has a future and I don't. That she has a wonderful lovey dovey boyfriend, and I don't. So you have a perfect little life Paige, shut up about it already. Am I jealous? There's this surge of wild emotion running through me, and it's all aimed at Paige. Jealousy is the only word I can put to it. Big green jealousy. When she brings up things like Banting, or Matt I just go crazy. It makes me all agitated, and flustered. I can't believe that I am actually jealous of her. It's friggin' Paige for fucks sake. I don't want to be Paige, do I? ARGH. I roll on to my stomach. I don't want to be Paige, what I want is to be asleep.

She's going to be talking about him all the time now. Just thinking about it has my grinding my teeth. What do I care about Matt anyway? He was a freak, what kind of teacher, student or not, hooks up with a 16 year old anyway? And what did she see in him, huh? Blah. I don't want a boyfriend like that. I don't want an asshole boyfriend at all. It's idiotic to be jealous over something I don't even want. What's wrong with me? I need sleep. Fuck Paige. She needs to back off and mind her own business, and I'll mind my own business. It'll be better that way, I'll have nothing to get stupidly jealous about. She can keep her Rich University and Yoga teaching boyfriend out of my life. These thoughts haunt me until I doze off.

I don't wake up feeling any better. I think I actually may feel worse. My first thought is about her and Matt. Today is her little date. I hope he's gained a hundred pounds and all of his pretty boy hair turned gray. I hope Paige makes an utter fool of herself. I want them to be miserable. That's what will make me happy, them not being happy. I drag myself out of bed. Today is gonna suck. I should just blow it off and go back to sleep.

I grab some clean clothes out of my drawer and throw them on. I walk through the living room on my way to the bathroom. Chad is passed out on the couch, my mom must have gone to bed. The TV is still blaring, and then my mom wonders why our electric bill is so high. I can see the fight already. I wonder how long it'll be until the first fight. It won't be long, I'm betting on it. I brush my teeth and fix my hair. My reflection had my attention in a way it never has before. Looking in the mirror I'm judging myself. I could be pretty. I could be a lot better looking than a lot of other people. Like, say, Matt for one. His grody face pops into my mind. Get out of my head! I shake my head to force him out. This shouldn't be getting to me so bad. This is all Paige's fault. I look fine the way I am, her judgmental side is making me retarded or whatever. I don't care about my image, that's part of who I am. I don't want to be Paige. I know I don't. She's a stupid popular girl, with loud and obnoxious friends who don't care about her. Why would I want that? This none-sense has got to stop, I like being me. Right?

I'm Sitting in class next to her. I can't stop brooding on how miserable she is making me. According to her I'm a loser because I'm not going to college. She's always so damned on top of the world looking down on all of us lowly ants. I'm stealing glances at her out of the corner of my eye. She's reading the chapter she should have read last night, here in class. I feel like dragging her down with me. It'll be just like old times, as if we were never friends at all. The teacher asks her a question, and she bull-shits a Paige-like answer. I snipe a rude remark, knowing it will start a fight. Of course she takes the bait, she's Paige. Her reward, detention. I couldn't be more smug. She's almost in tears, her perfect little life plan is in jeopardy. Oh my! Now I get her shift, and she gets to wish she were at her stupid little date. One up for Alex, and I say it serves her right.

The day at school ends, and I'm still very pleased with myself. Paige only glares at me as I walk by. I can't say I don't deserve it, I have ruined her life for one measly day. So I hurt her a little, it's not like she doesn't hurt me. I step outside, and head home. She did hurt me, cause that's how I feel. I feel hurt. My chest is all tight, my head is pounding. In a way I feel heart-broken. Life just sucks right now, everything is so messed up. Can you even get hurt from jealousy? Something just doesn't seem right about that. I've never been one to study emotions, though. I don't like them. I don't like feeling anything. I'd rather find a way to get rid of them. These emotions are really driving me crazy, I wish I could be numb. I don't even feel like I'm myself anymore. I wish I had someone to talk to...

Work is no solace. I'm here alone. I'm lonely. I wonder if Paige made her date after all. Maybe his plane crashed. That would be cool. Then Paige's boyfriend would be dead. I'd rather hear her crying about his death than spouting off good news about their upcoming marriage or whatever. I don't think I used to hate Matt this much. I think I even told Paige to go for it when she was into him. That was bad advice, why did I do that? Time is ticking by.

I turn to people watching. The couples are really getting to me tonight. I see them all cuddly and smiley. I hate them. I hate them all. There is this guy, and he looks like a complete idiot. He buys his little pretty blond girlfriend a pack of candy and a soda. He's buying her things, I think he must have to buy her things a lot. It's like purchasing a girlfriend. I don't know what a girl like her is doing with a guy like him. Just like why anyone would ever date Spinner, it's beyond me. I just don't understand it at all. These girls could do so much better. Paige could do better. Paige deserves someone who really loves her, and knows what love actually is. People like this guy in front me, and Spinner... they don't really understand love.

They are just using these girls. Real love is selfless, or whatever. It's all about her. Or him, in a girls case I guess. I never loved Jay. I guess don't know what love is like anymore than these guys do. I wish I did. When I fall in love, I'll know. Paige's date has to be over by now. Happy couple reunited. I sigh heavily and lean against the counter. I don't feel like working right now. The guy puts his arm around the blond girl's waste as they walk off together. Blah. I'm so spiteful right now, I need to get outta this funk. Tomorrow is that College fair thing, I get half a day off from school. Maybe I'll go do a little 'shopping' at the mall. That'll make me feel better, that's always a good rush.


	6. Chapter 6 Paige

Viva Forever

A/N: I've revised chapters 1-5. Thank you for the criticism, I did have a lot of spelling mistakes and I totally couldn't figure out how to spell Wednesday. I hope I've done an alright job making it better on my own. I do not have a beta, otherwise I would use them. So thank you! Keep pointing out my mistakes, and I'll keep trying to fix 'em.

Chapter 6 – Paige

I was dumped. Not like slightly brushed off, I was full out dumped, and hard. Everything I cared about three hours ago doesn't even matter right now. Tears are streaming down my cheeks uncontrollably, my nose is running. I'm making enough noise that it has everyone in the bus shifting awkwardly in their seats. Some people are flat out staring at me. That can stare all they want. Have a good look. See the girl who foolishly waited all summer for her boyfriend to come back. I thought we were in love. I thought he loved me. I can't even breathe , I'm gasping for air in between sobs. I'm completely hysterical right now. He's going to Vancouver. I wonder how long he's known, how long he has been planing that conversation. It was immature and stupid of him to not just tell me. He should have called.

A woman asks me if I'm going to be okay. I know she's just trying to be nice. It's hard to watch people cry like I am crying right now. She is sitting across from me, it looks like she's about to get off of the bus. I shake my head no, then yes, then no again. I don't know. Everything was suppose to be great, and then Alex made me late, and then I got dumped. I'm not alright. My dreamy perfect boyfriend turned into a freaky hippy thing and then he dumped me, and gave me drugs. I, Paige Michalchuk, have _drugs_ on me right now. This isn't how everything is suppose to be. This isn't how I had planned it. Not at all. Every time things start to work out for me something terrible has to go and happen.

Dean ruined my life. Then I wasted all that time on Spinner when all he really wanted was Manny. Manny has sex with her boyfriends. Manny is a little slut. I didn't sleep with Spinner. I didn't sleep with Matt. Maybe that's why Matt dumped me like this. It's not like I didn't want to! I can't, I just can't do it... Dean ruined my life. Years later, I'm still suffering repercussions from him. He really screwed everything up.

The woman gets off the bus. She probably thought I was completely insane. All of these people probably think I'm out of my mind. They sure are staring at me like I am. Mayabe _I am_ out of my mind. I try so hard to make everything work out right. I put so much planning into it. I put in so much effort and attention. I'm sick of being dumped! I'm sick of being mistreated! What's so wrong with me that I deserve all this? I was going to give up a year of school for Matt! I would have done it in a heart beat too. I thought he loved me. I thought he wanted me.

I use my shawl to wipe off some of the tears from my face. I need to pull myself together. There is a tub of my favorite flavor of ice cream in my freezer. I can concentrate on that, a date with something that won't break my heart. There is absolutely nothing I can do about the fact that the man i thought I loved scheduled a date with me just to break-up with me. Oh, and give me a joint, of course. It's all water under the bridge now, right? But I can't stop crying, no matter how hard I try.

I'm hopelessly romantic. My whole life is based around my boyfriend. He never seems to appreciate that, but it is true. I don't want flings and short term relationships. I only want one man. I want one man to last me a whole life time. I want him to want me for the long haul. If I'd do anything for him, he should be willing to do anything for me. We will share our dreams, and I want us to make all of our dreams come true, together. I thought since Matt was older and more mature he could really be that one man. I foolishly believed we were in love. I was so stupid. So, so very stupid.

I arrive at my stop, and I stumble off of the bus. My vision is blurry, and my chest hurts. I've been crying for an hour now. I'm not going to school tomorrow. I'm going to stay right at home, in bed mourning all my hopes and dreams. I'm going to Banting next year, but I'm going alone. That is just depressing, and more than a little frightening. I just can't be as excited about University now. It'll be another 4 years of being single, I'll have to make all new friends. If I get another boyfriend, he'll probably dump me too. I unlock my front door and close it as quietly as I can behind myself. I don't want to wake my family up, if they are even asleep yet. The night is still very early.

I'm not crying as hard now. The tears are still streaming out of my eyes, I doubt anything is going to stop that, short of suicide. I am so not the suicide type, so the tears can feel free to run until they run dry. Nothing is worth killing yourself over. You are the most valuable thing you will ever have. I'm the most valuable thing I will ever have. Why couldn't Matt see that value? I should have been worth more than... than... these stupid drugs. I look at the joint again. I need to hide this thing, my mom will kill me if she finds out I have it. I sneak up the stairs, anxious about every creak under my weight. I've managed to stop sobbing out loud, the idea of getting caught with drugs has me silenced. If they come out of their rooms now I'll have way too much explaining to do. I make it into my room safely. I don't want to hide it in my room, in movies people always get caught when they hide it in their room. My bag catches my eye. I can get rid of it at school tomorrow. Or the next day, or week... or whenever I go back. I slip the baggie into the outer pocket, then just as carefully I go back down the stairs.

I head straight for the refrigerator. I grab a spoon and pull out the tub of Ben and Jerry's. I scoop out a spoonful right away. My ice cream has never tasted so good. I take it and my spoon over to the couch. I flip on the television. I must say, the touch of Ben and Jerry's and a romantic comedy makes me feel a bit better. I've finally stopped the tears from streaming down my face. The phone startles me. I answer it quickly, it could be Matt. Do I want it to be Matt? Oh I so do...

"Hello?" Marco's voice is nothing like Matt's. My heart sinks again. Matt won't call me, he sounded sure of his decsion. He doesn't want to be a part of my boring and organized life.

"Marco." I say into the phone dejectedly.

"Not a good date I take it?" He assumes right. I'm not really up for talking about it right now. I'm still on the edge of tears. I need to have control over my emotions before I can talk to anybody about what happened.

"No." I sigh, "I'll call you tomorrow, okay Marco?"

"You aren't coming to school? There's the college fair, you've been pressuring everyone to sign up all week, you aren't serious are you? You have to come!" He's right. There is the college fair. I have been looking forward to it, and if I don't go what kind of an impression will I be setting? I better show up for at least that part of the day.

"You're right, I'll see you at the college fair then. Good night." I hang up the phone before he can ask any more questions, or try to convince me to show up to class. I'm crying again. I know I'll get through this. I know I will. Right now though, I feel so worthless. I feel like a piece of trash. I keep getting used. Do I have a sign on my forehead that says use me? It sure feels like it. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but obviously I am. The next guy who catches my eye better actually appreciate me for me. He's going to be head over heels for me. He will do anything for me. He will truly care about me. He won't dump me. Not ever. There is not going to be anymore of this temporarily interested non-sense.

I try to concentrate on the movie again, it was helping before. I eat another big spoon full of ice-cream. Mmmm ice cream is the answer to all of the problems in the world. It's cold, it's sweet and it's ultimately soothing. The ice cream runs out before the movie ends. I'm not all that excited about the sappy happy ending anyway, so I turn off the movie. I'm depressed, but I've managed to get myself under at least some control again. It will take time to heal these wounds, but for now I am moving on.

I throw away the empty container and toss my spoon in the sink. I take a deep breath. Yes I am getting myself back together. I am. I go upstairs. My house is so quiet. It's always very quiet at night. From my bed I can hear crickets chirping in the darkness. I don't usually fixate on them, normally I have so many positive thoughts about the next day I just phase them right on out. I have no positive thoughts tonight. Well maybe one. I hope everyone goes to the college fair. I hope they all find a great University, and a great future. Every single one of them. I let the sound of crickets lull me to sleep. I'm exhausted from crying for the last three hours, so sleep is welcome when it comes at last.


	7. Chapter 7 Alex

Viva Forever

Chapter 7 Alex

I'm laying down on my bed. I came home right after I left school. I have to say, that college fair wasn't nearly as bad as I imagined it being. I watched TV with my mom and Chad for a few hours. I'm really glad I didn't have work tonight. I think Paige might have. Sucks for her, I bet she's still stoned.

I know I'm still a little high. That was some really good herb Matt handed over to Paige. I think it was the perfect parting gift, it gave Paige a chance to chill out for a bit. People who are freshly dumped totally need some nice distraction from their problems. Yeah. I'll remember that the next time I need to dump someone's sorry ass. Drugs'll numb the sorrow right out of them. Paige wasn't missing Matt at all while we joking around. She was happy. I love it when she laughs, even if it is too loud. I love being the reason why she's laughing. I love being the reason why she is happy.

She is too uptight. She worries way too much about, well, everything. She should have blown off the meeting with what's-her-face on up on high. I'd bet my pinky finger that she biffed the interview. She was too jacked up to talk straight. She was most definitely more jacked up than I was, and hell, I'm still feeling it hours and hours later. Other than her running off to do something she really didn't want to do... no matter how much she denys it... she was really cool today. I think that today I saw the Real Paige under all of her walls, her facade of the perfect princess. The real Paige was fun. The real Paige was more than fun. When she let loose, ah man, she had me laughing harder than I've laughed in ages. I really wish I could go back and do it all again. I wouldn't change a thing, I would just enjoy it all the more. Up until she insulted me...

Her inhibitions were shot, I know, that's why she was so fun. Of course, now I also know that Paige thinks I'm a failure, a loser, that I have no life and no future. She thinks I'm destined to be just like my mother. _'that's because you don't have a future!'_. It hurt to hear her say it. Why did she have to go and say it, huh? I didn't provoke her or anything, I was just trying to help. If she didn't show up to talk to the woman she couldn't screw it up. A no show would have been way better than a fuck-up. It was that easy, and that's all I was trying to say. I wish she would have just understood what I meant instead of what I said, or my tone, or whatever I did to make her freak out on me...

Not that what she said isn't true...

My thoughts are interrupted by my mother's voice carrying through the wall. They couldn't wait one week without a fight. Not one simple little week. They are just talking in raised voices right now. Maybe I'll get lucky and it will end with that, and no more. I sure hope so, today was too good to ruin with another night of drunkards out of control.

They are a constant reminder of how true her words were. This is the story of my life. I have no future. I already came to this conclusion a few nights ago. She was just saying what is obvious. It was still uncalled for though, she shouldn't have said it. I don't like to think that Paige thinks of me that way. I care about what Paige thinks about me. That it's the truth is irrelevant, because it's _bad_. Having no future is a _bad_ thing. Paige thinks _bad_ things about me. I want her to think good things, because I want her to like me damn it! _I want her to really like me_...

Oh god. I feel like I've just gotten the air knocked out of me by a thought. I'm still high, maybe that explains the sudden dizzy feeling. I have to rethink those last couple thoughts, set them right. I care about what Paige thinks about me because I want her to want me as part of her life, that's all. I couldn't possibly want her... as anything more than a friend... could I? _No_! That's ludicrous! That's retarded! I can't have a crush on Paige, Paige is... is... a girl... and worse... she's a popular girl. She's a friggin cheerleader! Me, Alex, with a crush on some bimbo cheerleader? One that just insulted me because I'm not as good as her? No way. Not possible, it must be something else. It _can't_ be a crush.

I close my eyes tightly. The yelling is getting louder. It's mostly my mother doing the yelling. She's upset with him over something or other, but I'm not hearing her words. My mind is drumming them out, no matter how tightly I close my eyes. I feel really afraid right now, and this time it's not of them. I feel afraid of myself. I feel utterly terrified of myself. All I can think is that... that... somehow I have developed a crush. A terrible, stupid, awful, lame, idiotic crush! I haven't had a crush... since... Grade 6. He liked me, so it was only natural... But it wasn't like this. This crush is worse, much worse. This crush is intense. I wasn't jealous of Paige, I was jealous of Matt. I'm afraid of her running off to Banting... I can't get into Banting... It... It explains everything.

This is so fucked up. I think I'm gonna puke. I roll out of bed and land on the floor hard. My head is spinning in a sickening rush. I crawl to my door and pull myself up with the door knob. I don't feel steady on my feet at all. I don't want to deal with the two of them, I can't talk to anyone right now. I practically run from my room to the bathroom. I slam the door shut.

"See what you've done now, woman?" Chad says to my mom, "Just leave me be. I'll clean up the mess tomorrow" Sure, whatever, throw me into your fight Chad. Thanks. My eyes dart around the dingy run down room. The sink looks inviting, I turn on the cold water full blast. I'm splashing my face over and over. The cold stings but it doesn't wipe away the horror in my head.

I can't even consecrate on their fight. If I could maybe I could go clean up whatever and stop it from happening at all. I still feel so nauseated, but less like I'm gonna hurl. What am I going to do? I'm asking my reflection. I look like the cat dragged me in. I have bags forming under my eyes, my hair is a mess and the cold water is still dripping off of my chin. I should have been asleep about an hour ago. What if I dream about Paige? I can't go to sleep... I can't dream about Paige. I can't be gay. I have to do something, I have to make this crush go away. What do I do? My reflection looks as hopeless as I feel.

Paige hurt me. Yeah, when she said I have no future. She gave me every reason to stop talking to her. I'm just going to cold shoulder her. If she stops talking to me, and I stop talking to her... That could work. Right? It's not like she knows my life. She is nothing like me. We are completely incompatible and have nothing in common. She has a future, and I don't. She said it herself. We're too different. I'm destined to work in a place like the movie theater my whole life. She can't get that. She won't get that. She's never going to know how depressing that is, to see nothing in your future. It's... scary. Not as scary as suddenly realizing you are into some chick though. This is so fucked up.

I lean against the bathroom door and slide down slowly until I am sitting on the tile with my knees curled up against my chest. I hug them, they seem comforting right now. They seem like the only thing that is comforting right now. I'm so freaked. That's really the only word for it. Now I'm going to have to watch everything I say and do. If I don't someone could see through me, they could figure it all out. What if Paige figures it out? That would be the worst, she can't find out. At any cost I can't let Paige know I'm into her. She'll freak worse than I'm freaking right now. What if Marco's gaydar or whatever goes off? Marco can't find out. He'll tell Paige, I know he will. I'm going to have to be strong. I'm used to hiding things. This is just another weakness I have to hide. I can't let this weakness slip at all, no one can find out. No one. This is my dirty secret until it goes away.

I can't believe I've fallen for Paige... It's friggin' Paige... seriously...

Banging on the bathroom door wakes me up suddenly. I'm still curled up around my knees, I don't remember falling asleep. I don't know how long I've been out. I stand up, noticing just how stiff I feel. I swing open the door, my mom is standing there. She is babbling at me, and she is in tears. I shake my head trying to clear the groggy feeling. Worse than anything I can still feel those evil butterflies zooming around in my stomach. She puts her arms around me, and pulls me into a hug. She is crying on me. I have my own problems right now, ma. I can't really feel sorry for her. She's not the one with a seriously bad fluctuation in her whole psychological reality. I might be kind of gay. The thought makes me wince.

"We have to go to the Women's shelter." She's telling me, "It's not safe here tonight. He just called saying he was going to come back, baby. He threatened me."

Of course he did. You were pushing all of his buttons. Chad has a little bit of a temper and he isn't the sharpest tool in the shed either. "Let me get my jacket." I say, and I manage to pry her off. I go into my room and throw on my jacket. There could be an up side to this drama right here. Being extremely tired might help me out in the end. I mean how can Marco or Paige see that I've got a lezbo crush if they're thrown off by the dark circles around my eyes? It will be a clever diversion if I do have to talk to them. I'm going to try avoiding the both of them. I'm going to go sit with Ellie for lunch, hell I'll sit next to her in class too. Ellie is oblivious enough, and even if she figures it out... she won't tell Paige. Yeah, she's a good friend. I need to hang out with her more anyway. Summer was all Paige, Paige, Paige. I've probably almost lost our real friendship over my stupid girl-crush. I definitely need to spend all the time I can with Ellie. I look at the clock, I have a shift at work with Paige after school. I'll just have to go with my plan, I'll cold shoulder Paige out. She insulted me anyway, right?


	8. Chapter 8 Paige

Viva Forever

Chapter 8 – Paige

The car pulls out of the driveway. She's mumbling to herself about how she's going to be late for work. She acts like it's my fault that they went and implemented this stupid rule around my grounding. I'm used to taking the bus; I like taking the bus. Having your mother drive you to school is so cliche, it's downright humiliating. I'm almost an out of school full blown adult, I'm not some little school girl.

I guess it is a little bit my fault though. None of this would have happened if I hadn't gotten high in the first place. I strangely don't regret getting high though. I know I should, is it wrong that I don't? Looking at my mother's expression, I know she thinks it's wrong. I'm a bad daughter, I'm going to be a failure. If I had just blown off Ms. Myers, as Alex suggested I wouldn't be in this mess. She was right, not that she is right most of the time. She seems to have the game of life figured out, and that's why I've come to value her advice over Hazels. So why didn't I listen?

I guess I just wasn't thinking. I was on drugs, and I was having a panic attack. I've never been stoned before, not once. I've drank plenty of times, which I know is a bad idea too. I kind of made a bad judgment call and smashed Spinner's car into Dean's and lost my liscence. That was a _big_ mistake too. I don't regret it either, but I didn't mean to hurt Spin. I was only after Dean. Note to self: Paige plus intoxicants equals bad news. The next time a situation arises I just need to remind myself of that equation a couple of times. I'll come off as straight edge but it's better than me accidentally lashing out at the people I care about.

Ms. Myers called my mother as soon as I was out of her sight. I flat out told her I was high, I don't know what I was thinking. Actually, I do. I was thinking about Alex in that scouts glasses. I smirk slightly, even though I shouldn't be smiling. It was a funny though. The whole day was really funny. I lick my lips and try to wipe the smile off of my face, if my mom sees it I'll get another lecture. I don't need another lecture, I had a three hour long one last night. All of my privileges have been revoked, it's to school, work and then home until I get accepted into Banting. If I even get accepted into Banting. I can't be so sure I'll be accepted anymore, my mom made that very clear to me. She made me feel even worse than I was already feeling. I really choked on all the questions that Ms. Myers threw out at me. I'm don't even think I could have answered them if I was sober. Why do you want to come to Banting? I just do. It's been a goal for like forever, my mother planned helped me plan out my whole life plan. Who am I to argue? Matt was right, I have all the answers but I don't even know what they are the answer to. Dumped and grounded within 48 hours, could my life get a little bit worse?

We're almost to the school. My mom warns me about doing drugs again. She thinks I'm a pothead now, I'm an utter disappointment. I'm I tell her that I'm not going to do it again. She doesn't believe me, of course. She is in a really bad mood, I have to bite my tongue to keep from starting an argument.

"I have Spirit Squad practice after school today" I say instead as we pull up in front of the school, "wouldn't it just be easier if I catch the bus home? Or maybe get a ride from Hazel?"

"I'll be here to get you at four o'clock sharp" She says very sternly. I have to take my punishment, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I get out of the car and slam the door as hard as I can. I'm more than a little angry with her right now. I glare at the car as she drives away. Then I walk to my homeroom, I'm here way early. Getting a ride was quicker than the bus.

I should do some homework. I dig through my bag, seeing what needs to be done. None of it seems very interesting to me, I'm not very far behind. I was caught up at the beginning of the week. I haven;t really done anything since then though, I've been busy with my life. You know, getting dumped, getting grounded. I decide on History, the class I'm furthest behind in. I set the book out next to the computer and flip to the chapter that I'm on. The reading is extremely dull, but I force myself to concentrate on it.

Marco takes his seat next to me, pulling my attention away from another boring chapter. "How'd the interview go?" he asks with a grin. I shake my head solemnly, and his grin fades into concern, "That bad? What happened?"

"When I saw you I was..." I say it quietly, because I don't want any of the other people in the class to hear me "stoned..." His eyes widen. I swallow hard, I hate telling people I did drugs. They'll look at me different; They'll think less of me. "She asked me questions I wasn't prepared for, and since I couldn't think quickly...because of you know... I made a complete fool of myself. She's never going to admit me into Banting now."

"Woah." Marco blinks a couple of times. He's taking the news just like I would expect him to. "What did you say to her?"

I bark a short laugh. What did I tell her, he asks. I sum it up for him, "Something like the college fair was completely useless, I want to go to Banting because it's _green_, I have no idea why I want to go into business school _and_ I'm so high right now." He's staring at me with a look of shock, "Yeah, it was _that_ bad."

"That is pretty bad." He nods his agreement with me, "But people like her know teenagers do that kind of thing Paige, maybe she'll let it slide. You could get lucky."

"I'm not just any teenager Marco." I say with emphasis, "I'm the daughter of her best friend, I'm suppose to be above that kind of thing."

"Family friends are all the more forgiving." He counters. I guess he is right. My mother may be able to convince her that I'm not like that. It was only a one time thing. I know my mother still wants me to go to Banting. I hope Marco is right.

Alex walks in. I watch her walk across the room. She won't even look at me, she's that angry. I didn't mean what I said, I regretted it no more than three seconds after saying it. She passes Marco and I up, and sits down next to Ellie. Ellie gives her a strange look, and they talk in hushed tones. Marco is watching them too, I guess he followed my train of vision. He doesn't say anything though, I have no idea what he thinks of Alex's behavior. He doesn't know what I did. I wish I could take it back. I feel guilty.

I feel more than guilty. I have to apologize, I have to make her understand that I don't really think she has no future. Everyone has a future, even her. For saying otherwise- I'm a hag. Ashley's words had some truth to them four years ago. I am a rotten despicable friend-betraying hag. No wonder so many people hate me. I don't want to be a hag.

Alex avoided me like the plague all through our first classes. I'm set on talking to her, and I'm will do it. If she's going to sit with Ellie all day, I can work around that. It's not like Ellie isn't sort of, kind of one of my friends anyway. At lunch I lead Hazel over to the table Ellie is sitting at. She's sitting with Jimmy, so it's convenient for Hazel. It'll be some more time with her boyfriend, I don't think they spend enough time together anyway. So I'm doing them a favor, while doing myself a favor.

"Hey Ellie, Jimmy." I set down my tray next to Ellie, "how is Downtown Sash squash sounding with it's new excellent drummer?"

"I'm really not that good." Ellie says right away, then looks at me questioningly and asks "Why am I so popular today? You people never talk to me unless you want something. Alex has hardly spoken to me all summer. I didn't recently win the lottery and not know about it right?"

"Don't be silly hon, I just wanted to see how you were doing." I wave a hand at her suspicion. I hate how Ellie does that, that humor thing. I've never thought it was funny. "You _are_ one of my friends, you know."

"Right." She rolls her eyes at me. I hate it when she does that too, it's my move. I think I accidentally scowled at her. I was trying to be friendly. She ignores my scowl, if I did, and turns her attention back to Jimmy. He had just exchanged 'hello's' with his girlfriend. "Craig thinks we really have a shot at this wedding gig stuff. We're going to start working on the new sound this week, he told you right?"

"Yeah, wedding gigs." Jimmy shrugs, he is obviously not happy about it his voice is thick with sarcasm, "That's going to be loads of fun."

Alex has just spotted us. She makes eye contact with me, and I swear I can feel how much pain she is in. It's not visible on her face, but I hurt her. I know it's a touchy subject with her. It was low-down and cold of me. I'm pleading with her silently. Please come sit down, please. She breaks eye contact, quickly looking to the floor. She turns and leaves the cafeteria, without looking back. She didn't even get any food. She hates me that much.

My parents hate me, my co-worker and friend hates me, and my college administrator thinks I'm a stoner. Drugs are bad kids, just say no. I sigh and pick at my food, I've lost any appetite I had. Eventually Craig shows up and Ellie is throwing herself at him in a verbal sort of way. He can't be that oblivious to her wanting him, can he? He is sure acting it. I guess ignorance is bliss, he gets to keep his friendship without hurting her. I can't say I wouldn't do the same if one of my male friends, that I had no interest in, was crushing on me. Denial has it's appropriate uses.

"What's wrong Paige?" Hazel asks me near the end of lunch, "You've hardly said anything."

"I've just been thinking. My evil parents grounded me until the end of the year." I explain, "School, work and home. No mall. No parties. This year is going great." It has me down, it really does. Matt still has me down too, I was dumped 2 days ago. That's going to be a long time in healing. I'm single again, oh yey. There is one thing that would make me a lot happier though. I want Alex to stop giving me the cold shoulder and give me a chance to apologize. If I can't even get Alex to forgive me, how am I suppose to get Ms. Myers to give me another chance?

"You'll find a way around it, don't let it get you down." Hazel tells me. She's right, I will most likely find a way around it. I've been grounded before, for worse things than getting a little stoned and ruining my University career. Or maybe not, but I'm Paige. I'll get my way eventually.

Alex must have went home at lunch. She isn't in class. She doesn't even think twice about ditching, it is so irresponsible. Getting stoned to go to the college fair was irresponsible too, but that was my idea. I can't believe she is this mad at me. I spend my time in class being lethargic. When the day finally comes to an end, I am equally as lethargic for our Squad practice. Luckily I don't have to do much. We already have the routine we're using for the up coming basketball game. We just need to practice it.

My mother is here, just like she promised she would be. I was holding out a little hope that she would be too busy to enforce the whole take me to and pick me up from school rule. That shred of hope is getting thinner. I'm frustrated with the day all together. I don't want to have anymore arguments, I don't want anymore lectures. I know I messed up. I messed up more than even she knows, and I feel terrible about it. I get in the car without looking at her. I don't talk to her the whole way home, either. She calls it the silent treatment and you know whatever, I don't care. I'd rather be silent and not make my punishment worse. If I talk, that's all that will happen. I have to think of what I'm going to say to Alex at work anyway. That's my top priority, patching up the friendship that I destroyed with seven stupid words that I didn't mean to say.

By the time I get to work I know what I'm going to say. I'm going to say I was an idiot, _a toad_. I was wrong, and she didn't deserve it. Then I'm going to tell her about how I'm suffering for my idiocy anyway, so she can be happy about that at least. She is at work before me today, that's a rarity. She is putting in new inventory on the register, and she doesn't even look up at me when I walk by. I come back around, the counter and walk over to the pop corn machine. She knows I'm going to talk, so she throws out a monotonous request for me to stir the pop-corn and not talk to her. There is no way I'm going to let our friendship end like then, she's going to hear me out. She can resume hating me all she wants after I put it out there. So I do, I say almost exactly what I had planned to say.

"What happened to the you not talking idea I had?" She does still hate me, that's so not fair. I tell her I was a toad to her. I'm begging here. She finally looks at me. It's not a happy look, then she turns away and says "But you were right."

What? "No. I wasn't. I'm not." How could she really believe that? She turns back to me. She has a very intense expression.

"Paige, I don't have a future okay? I don't even know where I'm sleeping tonight. The way my mom and her stupid boyfriend fight, I may be at home or I might be at a womens shelter. So how am I suppose to plan for something like University?" This is the Alex underneath it all. No wonder she has to be so tough, so strong. My heart is bleeding for her, she has ripped it wide-open. If I could care about my friend more, now I do. "No. I'm wearing this for the rest of my life."

"You're not" I'm pleading with her. She's not having it though, her mind is set.

I turn away from her and take a breath, "Good to know," I say. I knew her home life sucked, but I didn't know it was that serious. Come to think of it, she looks more than angry today, she looks exhausted. I feel even shittier now. She goes home to that load of crap every single night, I could never do that. My experience with Dean will last me a life time of trauma. If I was her I'd be afraid of my future too. Here I thought she was just mad at me for what I said, I'm so ego-centric sometimes. How am I suppose to face the future? I don't know myself, I don't know my friends. I can't control anything, it all just keeps slipping out of my grasp. I'm not in her position, and I'm scared about my future. How could she not be? "That's two of us that are scared."

I glance back over my shoulder and she is giving me a very peculiar look. Yeah, Alex, I know you are scared. You act all super tough and un-caring to hide it, I act all in-control and on-top of things to hide it. We aren't so different. "Friends?" I ask her, breaking that look. I watch her eyes re-focus, her mind clearing from whatever thoughts she were lost in. She's got a tough life, I'd like to be able to help her by being a good friend. We both need each other, she has to see this.

"Friends." She sighs and shakes her head. She thinks she is going to regret it, I can tell. She was probably processing how many other cruel and evil witch like things I can say to hurt her. I can't say I won't hurt her again, but I'm going to try my best not to. Heaven knows she has been hurt enough.


	9. Chapter 9 Alex

Viva Forever

A/N: These next few chapters may be slow in coming. I've been working on a project for something else, and highly distracted by a chat room... This chapter was written days ago, I just didn't feel like editing it, sorry about that. I still don't, but I will... reviews sure make me move faster, so thanks for the push guys.

Chapter 9

It's Saturday, the big Jazz Festival Saturday. Paige has been pestering me about it for the last two weeks, she even tried to get me to rally with her. Not that I don't care about people with cancer, or whatever, but I wouldn't call myself a very talented rally-er. 'Hey you! Over there, yeah, _you_. Come here, give me your money so some cancer victim might get a cure. What? This is it? Some change is all you have? Well, forgive me for saying this, sir, but you are one cold-hearted son-of-bitch... I hope _you_ get cancer someday.' Yeah, no. Not my thing. It's not really Paige's thing either, she's only doing it because Ms.-what's-her-face Banting bitch's brother is dying from cancer. She'll do anything to get into that school, I swear.

Plus it keeps her mind off of Matt. She tells me these things, she tells me all kinds of things. I think she may tell me more of her secrets than anyone else she ever talks to. I love it. I love how she trusts me, how she cares about me, how she defends me even. She can tell me anything, and I can tell her anything. Well, most anything. I can't tell her how I feel about her. I can't believe there was ever a time that I hated her, even though I know there was. Now I can see how wonderful she is. I was just an ignorant jerk back then. My eyes are open, and I know Paige's worth. She is everything. I sound like a moron when I think things like that, it is so cheesy.

"Hey mom." I shake my mother's arm a little, she is passed out on the couch, "_Mom_."

She groggily looks up at me, "What is it Lex? It's not even noon yet."

"I know mom. I'm going to the Jazz Festival with Paige, I'm gonna be gone all day, don't know when I'll be back."

"Okay, sure, Lexi." She nods, I know she probably won't remember this conversation, Id on;t think she even comprehended what I just said. "You go have fun."

It's pointless talking to her. I fill up a glass with some water and leave it on the end table next to her. I've been lucky lately, Chad and her have gotten on pretty well this week. He's not here right now, he got some part-time job at a warehouse or something. The less time they spend together, the better. I grab my two tickets that I bought for this Jazz thing and leave my mother to her sleep. I'll just tell Paige that my mom had prior engagements, but bought a ticket anyway. Paige can be very persuasive, she begged me to get my parents to buy some tickets. I'm addicted to her smile, I'd do anything to know I was the reason she had a great day.

Like buying two stupid tickets to a festival thing I really have no interest in. Then even crazier going and getting lost on the bus and showing up after the Jazz festival is already in full swing. Swing, get it? Yeah, I know, that was lame too. I can't help it, I'm still in a good mood. I walk through the doors that the jazzy sounds are coming from. I instantly start scanning the crowd. I'm searching for Paige. I know she has to be here somewhere in the seas of all these jazz-fan heads. Paige and the others really did fill this place up, I hope all that money buys at least some progress on the cure to Cancer.

I see her up near the front, she is with her parents. There is one empty seat next to them, and only one of me. I have a fleeting thought that it could be saved for me. I know better though, it was probably for her gay brother. It's open though... could I really go sit with her and her parents? That would be a little weird, I don't think I will. I'll just have to catch up with her after the Jazz ends. I lean against the back wall, I'm not interrupting anyone right here and I have a good view of everything. Marco is sitting a few rows back from Paige, he has parentals with him too. He has more than just his parents, they all have a certain Italian Marco look to them. One even looks like he might be gay, kinda reminds me of Marco. Gay people, you can always spot them in a crowd.

The music is kind of dull to me, and I find myself wondering how many degrassi students have dragged their family to this thing. Scanning more of the crowd I see Emma Nelson, who I've never particularly liked. She is with Mr. Simpson, some short woman that couldn't possibly be her mother and a baby. Wait, Mr. Simpson has his arm around the chair behind the short woman, she may very well be his wife... Emma's mom. How extremely fucking bizarre. Emma is towering over her and they are just sitting down. The dark hair, the light hair. Heh. Crazy. Emma isn't watching the show either, she keeps glancing over to the left. Who is Emma looking at?

I follow her line of sight to some new boy at the school, I think his name is William or Peter or something, Peter sounds right. He's a scrawny little prep with pretty-boy eyes. He's smiling back at her. They are flirting with each other. I'm pretty sure he was the one who sent out that video clip at the beginning of the school year. What is Emma doing flirting with him? Does she want to get date raped? Some girls are just idiots, no matter how smart they pretend to be.

Yawn. I wish I were sitting with Paige. I'd enjoy this crap if I were sitting next to Paige. Just being with her makes everything better, she makes me feel calm and safe. The show drags on, and on, and on. I consider sitting down, but I don't really want to ask people to move so I can get into a seat. It can't be that much longer anyway, right?

Hey, what do ya know? Intermission. I walk through the people heading the opposite direction I am going. I'm trying to fight my way to Paige. That's why I'm here. I finally get to her where she is in the line of human cattle heading toward the door. She looks surprised to see me, like really surprised. I told her I'd come, I guess I had come off as sarcastic again.

"Alex" She says my name with a smile. It's not a bad form of surprised, I'm glad.

"Yeah." I grin back at her, I can't help it. I have so much I wanna say, but I feel tongue tied. I don't want her to realize I came just for her. I don't want her to see how obsessed I am, how head over heels I've gone and fallen. "Bought the ticket, didn't have anything better to do, you know."

"I'm glad you came, hon." She touches my shoulder. I feel a sudden head rush. There is a tingling sensation starting where her hand touched my shoulder right down to my toes. This is a better high than any high I have ever known. I wish she felt the same, I wish oh I wish. I'm still smiling at her, knowing it can never be. She's popular, she could never date someone like me. I'm just being stupid with this crush, but I can't really help it. I've done everything I could think of to stop it. No matter how hard I've tried it only gets worse and worse.

I follow her to the concessions, she's telling me how successful the event has been. She's even gotten herself ungrounded, her parents were that impressed. Go Paige. I'm smiling and nodding, I just love that she's talking to _me_ right now. Here it is Saturday, _day_, and I'm talking to Paige. This has never happened before, it makes me really feel like we're moving up as friends. I haven't even seen Hazel. Hah! Take that Hazel, Paige and me are spending time together outside of work. Hahhaha!

"What are you so smiley about? I thought you said Jazz was lame?" Paige asks me.

I did say that, didn't I? Well, even Jazz isn't lame when I'm with you. Pour on some more cheese please, seriously. If I ever accidentally say something like that... "Who says I'm smiling because I like it? Maybe I'm wondering why the hell I'm at this stupid thing"

"Just admit that you like it," She rolls her eyes at me. I just shake my head and roll my eyes too. I don't really like it, I just like her. She can thinks whatever she wants though, if she likes me more if I like Jazz, then sure I'll like Jazz. I've already been doing little things to make her like me more. I've tried to take some make up tips and look less 'dark' because she doesn't like that. I've also been wearing less black, she has really responded well to the wardrobe fixes. I don't really get fashion though, so it's slow going. I'm doing what I can.

It's time to go back to the Jazz thing for a whole second half, the half an hour had rushed by way too fast. I catch a glimpse of Peter and Emma out of the corner of my eye. They're standing next to each other, looking in different directions but they are most certainly talking to each other. I bet they have some kind of secret relationship, how can no one notice this? Is it possible to have a secret relationship?

If it is...

It wouldn't matter how popular Paige is, we could be together and it could be a secret. It could work right? _No_! _It couldn't_. I'm getting myself all hopeful over something that is just flat out impossible. I need to stay sensible. Paige and I will never be, that's a fact and I just need to face it. It's just a silly little crush... but _what if_? I get so distracted in a day dream that I hardly notice that I sit in the seat that had been reserved for Dylan. I didn't mean to, I look over at her parents. They aren't even acknowledging my presence, so I guess it wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. Cool, now I can sit with Paige. Just being near her makes me so happy. I'm friggin' in love. I feel like a giddy little teenager, how pathetic am I?

I take every chance I get to steal glimpses of her. She looks amazing, she is wearing a deep red dress that makes her green-blue eyes stand out more than they usually do. The way her blond hair falls to the side of her face just ads to the shade and iridescence of her eyes. I love her eyes, I could loose myself in them for hours. I can't say no to her when I'm memorized by those beautiful eyes. There I go again, being all corny and stupid. I have to stop. If she finds out how... attracted... to her I am... God I'm afraid of what would happen. So far so good though, right? My secret seems a little safer than Greenpeace girl and her mean little prep boy. They are going to get busted. Amatures. I've already figured them out, and they aren't even that close yet.

I wonder what we're going to do after the festival is over. I hope we do something, I don't want today to end. I wish I could spend every minute of every day with Paige, but I can't. I'll settle for a few more hours. Just a few more hours, I'll cross my fingers. C'mon good luck streak.

The second half of the Jazz thing was much quicker than the first. They're already done, and people are standing up once again. Most of them are all grins and chitter chatter. Paige looks indifferent, a common look for her these days. Ever since Matt broke her heart and she fucked up her Banting thing she's been kind of down. Her lack of enthusiasm and higher levels of cynicism has been a real turn on for me though. I didn't mean that. I uh, damn it. I'm blushing at my thoughts, thank god it's dark in here.

We're just standing here. I don't know what to say, especially with her parents right there. What would they think if they knew I wanted to be with their daughter? I bet they'd hate me, maybe even want to kill me. It makes me nervous, yeah it does. So I just hover, letting my face return to it's normal pigment . I'm waiting for her to make the move, to offer a plan. I'm literally praying that she doesn't just go home.

Marco joins us, and he gives Paige a big hug. I feel a little flutter of jealousy. It's stupid to feel jealousy over Marco hugging Paige. For one thing he's gay, and for another, he's gay gay gay. And most importantly, I'm not gay. He asks Paige about Dylan's reserved seat. She tells him that Dylan couldn't make it, even though he did try.

"He was probably busy doing gay stuff." I mutter. Marco looks hurt by my comment, though I have no idea why. He knows Dylan is gay, he dated him for fucks sake. Everyone knows Dylan is gay, as Paige puts it he was born a flamer.

"_He_ was bogged down on a project, beacoup homework. Which is something Alex wouldn't know anything about." Paige tells Marco. I bite my tongue, and it keeps me from saying anything else. I do enough of my homework, that remark kind of stings.

"Oh. Does he have... you know... a boyfriend?" Marco asks shyly.

"Why? You thinking about taking him back?" Paige asks with a joyous grin. She loves this gay shit. If only she loved the other side of the gay world. No, fuck that. Fuck the gay world. I hate it. I hate being a part of it. I feel so dirty, grimy, gross. Gay people suck.

"No. I was just..." Marco stumbles over his words. Duh he wants the fag back, he was oh so in love. Paige is just toying with him, she can be cruel sometimes. Is it wrong that I find that all the more attractive? My heart is beating so fast right now, I don't understand it. How can I want her so badly? How is this even possible? I've never even thought I could be into anyone this much, ever. I've always been such a loner, just happy with me. Even if it was me plus someone, that someone being Jay. I was still just Alex, and that was cool. "Just forget I asked, alright? I don't even really want to know. I'd rather just forget about him." Now Marco is gonna go all Emo on us. Poor gay kid. Just admit that you want the guy back, you're transparent and we can all see right through you.

"Why did you ask if you don't want to know?" Paige teases some more. Enough is enough, all this gay shit is getting on my nerves.

"Just drop it Paige. Can we go somewhere that isn't here?" I interject with an unfriendly tone.

Paige takes a deep breath, probably frustrated with how rude I just sounded. It's all this gay stuff, it makes me all edgy. It's like hearing it makes it all that much more real. Does that even make sense? Well, whatever. It gets to me, that's all. She finally shrugs and says "Sure hon, where to?"

I love it when she calls me hon, I hate it when I'm put on the spot. "Where ever." I shrug. Marco suggests the Dot. Always the Dot. Spinner is at the dot, and I loathe him. "Sure, the Dot's good." I say. I didn't like Spinner from the start, he came off as a moron. He was a bully, and an idiot. At least Jay was smart. He had me fooled for who knows how long about his fucking cheating. Spinner didn't keep his cheating urges hidden well at all. That day at work, my god I wanted to go beat the fuck out of him myself. I never want to see Spinner and Paige together ever again. It was like beauty and the beast. It was disgusting.

Then there was that back stab move he pulled on Jay that got him expelled. Not that he didn't deserve it. I still don't know why Spinner didn't mention my involvement, I did after all do the dirty work. The future wife beater deserved the humiliation. He didn't deserve to die though... I didn't know we would be pushing him that far. In a way Jimmy's paralysis is all my fault. Paige, I'm here with Paige. Happy thoughts, Rick is bad thoughts. See what Spinner does to me?

So we go to the Dot, and of course Spinner is working. Knew he would be anyway, right? He always tries to give us a discount, as if he can make friends again. Jay still hangs with him, no surprise there. Birds of a feather flock together, and they are some scummy birds. It's rather insulting that I allowed myself to be part of that flock before, they got me into a lot of trouble. Now I am way better off... other than the fact that I've got an unnatural crush on Paige. But other-wise, doing a hundred times better. I never needed Jay or any of his idiot friends.

We get a table, and I sit there and watch Paige and Marco discuss one thing after another. Craig is back with Manny, blah blah blah. Apparently Ellie was crushing on Craig, there was some sort of throw down. I vaguely remember Paige mentioning something about it last week, I think Ellie threw a drum stick at Manny. It's not really something I care about, but I love the fact that I'm here anyway. I'm part of their inner-circle of Paige. Sucks for Ellie I guess, she should have decked her. She's never really had the guts to just take what she wants. I bet if Paige found out I was crushing on her, she'd be right back with Spinner in a heart beat. I throw Spinner a glare for that. Fuck him. Lucky bastard, he didn't deserve her. He's not worthy of Paige.

Not that I'm saying I am. I look back to her. She looks so hot in that dress, it accents her curves so perfectly. I'm checking her out again. I can't be doing this, it's wrong... but she's so alluring. Her hair was done up fancy for the occasion, the way it's falling across her face... I shift in my seat. I don't like this feeling, this is the bad side of the crush. My heart is doing that racing thing again. Is it hot in here?

"Hey, Alex?" Marco asks, seeming to notice me for the first time since we got here, "Are you okay?"

"Uh, yeah.Fine.Why?" I say quickly. Too quickly, like a kid who just got caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Alex, don't be stupid! Keep it cool... keep it cool. Why did he have to notice me now? What if his gaydar is going off?

"You look a little flush, hon." Paige tells me. Yeah, I know I'm flush, I'm blushing like mad right now. What the fuck do I say? How do I get out of this mess?

"Do I?" I ask. What the fuck was that? I gotta get out of here, I'm digging my own grave. "You know what? I gotta go, things to do, all that Jazz." I say. I made another pun. Paige caught it, she smiles at it. She actually likes puns. We've had some real fun with puns and other childish jokes at work. I stand up as suddenly as the tide had turned on me. I need to back myself out of this corner, the only real option I see is to bolt.

"See you at work then." Paige says. I wished she had asked me to stay. She doesn't care at all that I'm leaving. How depressing.

"We just got here, you sure?" Marco asks what I wanted Paige to ask. It doesn't make me feel better in the least. I nod my head and say I'll see them both later, then I'm out of there.

I'm walking home, it's late afternoon now. My shadow is long in the setting sun. Man, that was close back there. I have to be more conscious of myself in the future, if I don't people will see through me. They'll know, Paige will know. As long as Paige doesn't seem to have any feelings for me, what good would anyone knowing do me? None. It can only make things worse. _If_ Paige ever shows real interest in me... well then maybe I could tell her, and then even more unlikely... but I can dream... we could have something like Peter and Emma.

Being away from Paige is already making me hurt. I can hardly wait until my shift at work tonight...


	10. Chapter 10 Paige

Viva Forever

Chapter 10 – Paige

"Come on Paige" Marco pleads, "Mr. Simpson needs the help, he really, really does." I'm not convinced. I've been beyond busy this whole school year, I just managed to free myself of that wretched grounding. He seems to forget I've joined and volunteered for more than a handful of committees and clubs this year. Not to mention I've been keeping up with my school work load and working a late night job. I just can't go volunteering for everything someone needs help with. I can't, I just don't have the time, energy or sanity for it.

"I would love to hon, I really would, but-"

"The Drama festival is in _one_ week, it won't be that much extra work. It will be another great add on to you're profile for Banting...Just imagine it" He puts his arm around my shoulder and gestures with his had as if pointing at a marquee, "Paige! Actress extraordinare!"

He said the magic word. I need all the help I can get with Banting. Ms. Myers still won't give my mother any kind of guarantee. I really messed things up and I have to redeem myself. Every little thing helps, he's right. "Okay, okay... okay." I can't believe how easily manipulated I am. At least I know when I'm being manipulated. I have to take it with a smile, this is my future we're talking about here. It's nothing that serious anyway. It's only a little acting, how hard could that be?

"Thank you!" Marco exclaims and hugs me. I hug him back, of course. It's good to know I could make him this happy at least, and in a way that kind of makes the trouble worth it. I pride myself on being a good friend. He tells me that Simpson wants all the volunteers right away. I hardly have a chance to respond, he is dragging me down the hall to Simpson's room.

We walk into Mr. Simpson's class room. He greets us with a warm smile right away. "Paige has decided to help us out too" Marco announces with a grin.

Simpson's face lights up all the more, he is really excited about this drama festival. He starts telling me all about it, and how he's really think Degrassi can blow the other schools out of the water. Now I'm smiling too, caught up in the moment. "We're going to be doing a short from Hamlet, we needed an female volunteer. Thanks to you no guys will have to cross-dress like they did when Shakesphere wrote the play."

"You aren't serious are you?" I ask. I know that he's telling the truth about Shakesphere's times, Mrs. Kwan told us that three years ago, back when we read Romeo and Juliet. But to imagine a Degrassi boy dressed up as a Victorian dame? That's just too cruel to imagine. Though a little funny, you have to admit.

Before I know it I'm walking away with a small script booklet in my hand and a huge grin plastered on my face. In class I'm leafing through it. These words aren't even real words, and what kind a loser name is Hamlet anyway? At least the name "Ophelia" doesn't sound like something you would call your pet pig. I smirk, I bet Alex would have a field day making fun of this play.

She's sitting next to me, which isn't uncommon at all anymore. She's become something of a second best friend to me. Hazel and her play switch as to which one I am hanging out with at the time. I don't see why they can't get along, I like both of them. Alex has been picking fights with Marco lately too, she keeps saying weird derogatory gay things. I know she doesn't have anything against gay people, so I guess she just doesn't get it. I totally get it, but I had an inside source. Dylan has educated me more about homosexuality than most people will ever know. Most importantly though, love is love. Some guys just like guys. My big brother is just awesome, I wish Marco would let up on him some. They were so cute together.

I pass the booklet over to Alex. She raises an eyebrow at me and gives me a silly half smile. She's making fun of my note passing. She looks through the booklet, and then passes it back to me with a shrug. She doesn't know why I showed it to her, of course she has no jokes yet. I'll talk to her about it later, and then I know I won't be able to live it down. Wait, am I _wanting_ to be teased?

I look back over at Alex. She's not looking at me now. I've noticed that she's wearing her make-up differently these days, she looks a lot less harsh. She looks better. You can really see how pretty, maybe even beautiful, she really is. In a way I'm jealous, she has that striking dark hair with the deep brown eyes to match. I'm sure if the guys weren't afraid she would break their nose, they'd all be trying to get her number. She's lucky, her beauty comes so naturally. For me it's always seemed like I have to work for it. I have to _make _people like me. I remember how the guys all wanted Ashley when we first started here at Degrassi. People hardly ever noticed me, I had to make them look at me. It's not a bad skill to have, manipulation, but I'm still jealous of how some people pull off getting seen without having to work for it at all.

I force my attention back to my script book and off of Alex. I read a few of the lines in my head. It sounds horrific. If I'm mis-pronouncing this stuff in my head how am I suppose to say this stuff out loud? I'm glad my part is a small part. Marco offered to take the lead role. I never knew Marco to be so passionate about acting. In a way it reminds me of how he was suddenly a huge Hockey fan over-night. Hmmm.

Class ends and I'm walking down the hall with Hazel. I see a cute new guy who also happens to be reading one of these little play booklets. He has a very distinct gay feel to the way he carries himself. I'd bet my favorite pair of shoes that he is gay. I wonder what grade he is in? I wonder if Marco has seen him yet. They'll both be in the play together. Well, that would explain his ulterior motivation for volunteering. Continuing down the hall I run into Craig, and he's also got one of these booklets.

"Marco ask you to join too?" I stop to ask him. He turns to me and looks at his booklet then back up at me.

"Oh no, I've always been a huge fan of reciting old English" Craig says with a straight face. I know he's being sarcastic, and I can't help laughing. I know right! What friends do for each other. My laughter cracks his straight face and he gives me an ironic smile as he explains "Marco practically begged me to sign up, how do you say no to that?"

"Tell me about it." I shake my head, still giggling a little. At least I'm not alone in this volunteer work, having Craig in the same position as me makes me feel a lot better about it. I guess it could be kind of fun too. Simpson and Marco were certainly excited enough about it. Craig is fun too.

I see Manny coming down the hall, heading for her boyfriend. What a mood ruiner. I'm still a little irked about her idiocy, she has made my life more than a little difficult with the Spirit Squad. I make my escape before I end up in a glare down with her. Craig would have been far better off with Ellie, in my opinion. I don't see what he sees in that little slut. I mean hello, everyone in the school has seen your girlfriend's breasts. Doesn't that bother you at all? Reputation is one of the only things we girls have to uphold.

Not that Ellie has a clean reputation either. Everyone knows she's a little off. They know that she is, or _was_ a cutter. It doesn't matter who you are talking to, self-mutilation is not cool. I personally think she's stopped with all that none-sense. My reputation has a few mares on it too. I threw away a lot of my reputation for Matt. _Mr. O_. He was only a _student teacher_, it wasn't like he was really old... People will see what they want to see though, I'm the girl who dated a teacher. He broke my heart and ruined my almost flawless reputation. I should hate him. Why do I still miss him so much?

Thoughts of him always make me down. I'm not as depressed as I was, but I am still not happy. I don't know how many people know that I'm unhappy. On the outside I seem cool and composed, but I feel like I'm dying inside. I so desperately want into Banting, and I don't know whether I will get in or not. And sometimes I feel just so alone. This being single phase is the worst, I've never liked being single. I would totally say "rebound" time, but I don't even have anyone worth crushing on here at Degrassi. I feel like I'm above most of these immature guys. They just aren't on the same level I am, does that make sense?

The end of the school day passes. I end it with SS practice. The Squad is doing okay, we've had a couple of good games. The routine works okay, but it's not anything I'm extremely proud of. The next routine I put together will have much more thought put into it. I'm already coming up with new ideas. After practice I am so glad that I am allowed to have Hazel give me a ride. That entire time my mother was picking me up I just dreaded getting out of school. Life is getting better again, slowly but surely.

I talk to Hazel about the drama Festival, though she isn't very interested. She says that she thinks it's a good idea for me, but of course she'd never do it. She's been little down too, her whole situation with Jimmy has been hard on her. They're growing apart, loosing touch with each other. She loves him, I know she does. People just go separate ways sometimes though, even if they do love each other. All she can hope to do is meet him halfway I suppose. I wish Matt would have met me halfway.

She drops me off at home. I do some homework before I have to go to work. Why do I still work? I've finished paying my debt off to Spinner, I could quit. I'd have more time to do my homework, to sleep, or maybe I could even do something fun. Sometimes I forget what fun even is. I like having extra money though, and I'm trying to save up some extra spending cash for University. Once I get there I'll have plenty of spare time to do fun things, right? Plus you need money to go do fun things.

I get to work and start up the new shift on the register. I'm not there for five minutes before the first person comes up asking for an over-sized coke and big bag of greasy treats. I serve them with a fake smile, as usual. I don't like this job at all. Hanging out with Alex is the best part, it really is. Maybe that's why I'm still here. Where is Alex? She is on shift tonight. I'm being impatient, I know. She'll be here.

She comes in, wearing her typical '_I'm a bad-ass who hates my job_' Alex look. And that look, right there, that's why guys aren't all over her like I know they would be. She wards them off, heaven knows why. I wish I could look that good... she's in a nappy brown movie theater uniform and she still looks good. Seriously, I am mega-jealous.

"What're looking at?" Alex asks off-handedly, and I realize that I spaced out at her.

I look to the counter quickly, "Nothing." I say, and after all it's true. I was just thinking about work uniforms. "I have a lot on my mind."

"Like what? Oh, wait... I know. University?" She teases, even though she knows that's a bit of a touchy subject with me. I roll my eyes at her and put the empty soda cups up on the counter for easy access.

"I do think about other things, not just University." I tell her. "But University is something we should all be considering right now, it is our last year of high school." Hint, hint Alex. Have you even thought about it yet? You can't keep putting it off...

"Blah-blah-blah" She rolls her eyes and walks past me to check the cheese level in the nacho cheese dispenser. Of course she hasn't thought about it. This is Alex I'm talking to. Why would I even think otherwise? She may be hot, but she certainly does not think ahead. Maybe that's why she wards of guys, she just doesn't think ahead to the Important things. University, a better Career, Marriage, a family... you know, _life_. I'll leave it be though, I'll end up cold-shouldered again if I don't. I've already pissed her off with my hinting.

When she comes back over and leans on the counter near me I mention the Drama Festival, it should be a fun subject. "Marco talked me into taking a part in a short play for the up-coming Drama Festival"

"Wow, just a festival type-o-girl aren't you Paige?" Alex says jokingly without actually looking at me. She smiles all the same though, so I know she's being playful and not mean, "I'm not buying tickets this time. Nuh-uh, no way."

"But this time I'm actually on stage, in a riffley old Victorian costume." I tell her.

She looks over at me finally, that line got her. I don't know why I knew it would. "You're right." She says her tone still thick with sarcasm, "Everyone will buy a ticket just to see that."

"Marco has the lead, Hamlet." I say, ignoring her sarcasm. I know she's going to come, I can see it in her eyes. She may not want to admit it yet, but I know.

"Hamlet does sound like a gay name"

If I was walking right now I would have missed a step. She did it again. She keeps doing that. Why? "What's with all the anti-gay jibes?" I say seriously.

"Anti-gay?" She asks meekly. She looks stunned. Like she didn't expect me to question it.

"Yeah, the gay bashing..." I say, "You keep doing it."

"I don't know." She shrugs. She really doesn't get the gay thing, that all. Can she really be punished for ignorance?

"Alex, listen to me." I lean in to talk to her, so I don't upset any of the customers, "You know my brother Dylan? Yeah. He has been gay all his life. He's a normal person just like me and you, he just sees what we see in men. That they are hot. It's not wrong, or weird or anything like that. It just is. Don't do this hate thing just because you don't understand it."

"I'm sorry." She mumbles. I've clearly made her very uncomfortable with my speech. She looking anywhere that isn't at me. I would think having been a friend of Marco's for so long would make her less homophobic. I guess with some people it's just hard to train out of them. She looks like I slapped her or something. It was a bit of a verbal slap I guess, it was suppose to bring her to her senses.

"Hon." I say with a smile, and put my hand on her shoulder "It's okay, just think about it okay?"

She glances at my hand and then looks at me finally. I have the urge to hug her right now, she just looks so lost. Have you ever had a dog that did something bad but you just couldn't stay mad because it was so darn cute? That's what Alex does to me. I want her to smile, I don't like this sad look.

After a long moment she nods her agreement and gives me a weak smile. A weak smile is a start. She changes the topic back to what it originally was, "So how much for one of these tickets?"

I knew she would want a ticket. I let my hand fall back to my side and laugh a little, her smile grows stronger with mine. We have that effect on each other, I just can't help smiling when I'm around her.


End file.
